


The Shadow of Your Smile

by SophieFlamel



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Everyone else is either dead or not appearing, Friendship, M/M, Swearing, kinda slow burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-05-17 07:35:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14828115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophieFlamel/pseuds/SophieFlamel
Summary: Ever since Hide started his volunteering at the hospital, he's been focused on the patient that visits 103 twice a week for checkups. His name is Kaneki Ken and he has a terminal illness. Nobody knows anything about him except that  he always carries a small smile on his face, one that Hide quickly realizes is there as pretense. Pushed by the nurses, he meets Kaneki and tries his hardest in what little time he has left to make Kaneki's smile genuine and sincere.





	1. Prologue

Hide peeped into room 103 where a pale young man was sitting in a hospital bed reading. His hair was white and his body so frail a gentle push might break him into pieces. His cheeks were hollowed and there was a wheelchair next to the bed in case he needed it. Hide knew everything the staff knew about him, which was actually very little: his name was Kaneki Ken, and his terminal illness would probably end his life in the next few months. He had been coming here twice a week ever since Hide had started working here. He had a pained smile whenever somebody addressed him, like he wished they didn’t have to see the horror he was going through, like he was apologizing for being sick. He never complained, never made a mess, and in all those days Hide had seen him, he never looked sad about the fact that he was dying.

Hide hasn’t said a word to him yet, hesitant to step inside that room. Glad doctors had not sent him in yet. Sad they hadn’t done so. Because in that pained smile Kaneki offered the world, Hide saw all the hurt and sadness that the rest of him wouldn’t express. All the suffering and waiting, and most of all the loneliness. It was a smile he had lived himself and knew how painful it was to wear. It spoke to him more than anything the nurses had told him or anything Kaneki ever could. But he couldn’t know unless he tried speaking to him, and so far he hadn’t had the courage to. He simply peeked into the room on his weekly visits and listened to any gossip about him from the staff. Kaneki was a mystery to almost everybody, but to him he was more like a little bunny trying his best to convince the foxes around him that he was fine, that he was still okay.

“Oi, Nagachika, quit creeping on 103 and go find Nurse Kaede. She needs to take his vitals before he’s allowed to go home. Help her with that too.”  The head doctor walked past Hide and added, “You can’t stop here for five minutes every time he’s here without talking to him. He’s your age, you know?” He pat Hide on the back. “Such a young age to go.” He whispered, thinking Hide didn’t hear. Hide regained his senses and went to look for Kaede, a short woman with spiky green hair. He found her in the next hallway (really, the doctor could have looked for her himself) and together they walked back to room 103.

“Ah, so you’ve finally gotten over your little crush?” Hide blushed more out of reflex than any real feelings and quickly shot back “That’s your idea, not the truth. Stop teasing me.” Kaede ruffled his hair like an aunt with a little child, even though she was only 3 years older than him. They went in and Kaneki lifted his head from his book, offering a smile to Kaede which turned to a curious inquisition as his eyes land upon Hide.

“Hey Kaneki, how are you doing?” She didn’t give him time to reply as they both already seemed to know the answer to that question. “I’m just here to take your vitals, and your stalker here is going to help me.” Hide felt his face burn a bright red and would have gladly stepped out of the room right then but Kaneki’s look changed from curiosity to satisfaction before he could do so.

“Ah, so he’s the one.” Hide swore his soul had just left his body and would not be coming back. The nurses’ teasing was bad enough, but if the mystery patient was in on it then that was just taking it too far. He quickly regained his composure, and replied with a smirk:

“Couldn’t keep my little secret, Kaede? I guess I am too interesting to keep quiet about.” Kaneki laughed quietly into his hand and Hide felt his smirk grow into a real smile. He stepped forward with an outstretched hand. “I’m Nagachika Hideyoshi, but you can call me Hide. It’s nice to finally meet you Kaneki.”

“Same to you.” Kaneki replied, shaking his hand. Kaede then interrupted and ordered Hide around to take various measures while Hide tried to think of something to say to Kaneki. His mind went blank. He had so many questions he wanted to ask the young man, but right now none of them came to him. They were done faster than he would have wanted and Kaneki was getting ready to leave. Kaede rushed off to her next patient but Hide stayed, still unsure of what to say or do.

“You’re pretty quiet for a stalker.”

“That’s just because I already know everything about you.” Hide smirked while Kaneki continued to smile. It was a thing so little and yet so filled with secrets Hide wanted to question it until it spilled every little detail about Kaneki Ken, until it became filled with real glee and not masked pain. But he couldn’t, and he wouldn’t. He wasn’t the type to ask questions to the people he wanted answers from. He got behind the scene, asked around, and analyzed the situation. He didn’t even once consider asking Kaneki “why do you look like a sad little bunny all of the time?” Instead, he said:

“Even if I already know everything, doesn’t mean I can’t spend some time with you. You know, follow you around, and break into your house; regular stuff like that.” Kaneki laughed into his hand again.

“I might have to call the police if you try anything like that. How about just meeting me outside of the hospital? Go to a movie or something?”  Kaneki’s expression told him it was more banter and teasing than anything, but Hide somehow felt like there was some hidden truth behind those words.

“Maybe some time, Kaneki.” Hide exited while Kaneki was still busy putting his book in his bag. When Kaneki left his room, Hide was nowhere to be seen and the sun was starting to set outside.


	2. Chapter 1

On Kaneki’s next visit, Hide again used the nurse as an excuse to visit him. It was Natsuno this time, but the nurse didn’t matter, what did was the little smile Kaneki gave him when he entered, probably unmistakable with his usual one for anyone but Hide who knew it is a little bit less lonely.

“Hey stalker.”

“Hey Kaneki. You seem to be doing well today. Might you interest me in a little fact about yourself I might not yet know in my vast knowledge of your person?” Hide helped Natsuno take the measures while Kaneki looked lost in thought for a second before answering:

“I ate a hamburger yesterday, my favorite kind.” He rubbed his chin. “Yeah, my life is pretty boring.”

“Which brand?”

“Big Girl. They just have the best ones.” Natsuno announced Kaneki was done for the day and he sat up. Hide stood there while Kaneki put his book back into his bag. He spoke only as Kaneki stood fully to leave.

“I don’t think you have a boring life.” Hide said, almost regretting it instantly.

“Then you don’t know me as well as you think you do, stalker. I can’t do much because of my illness and I don’t exactly have any friends or family, so I mostly spend my time alone reading books.” Kaneki was smiling his usual smile again and Hide didn’t think before speaking (which he knew is something he should have done):

“We can be friends!” Kaneki’s smile dropped. “I mean, if you want and all. So that you won’t be lonely anymore.”

Silence.

“I’d like that.” Hide released the breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

“Then, how about I give you my phone number? We can text each other and maybe hang out, do things together like you said last time.” Kaneki chuckled.

“You remember that? It was just a joke.”

“Oh.”

“But we can totally hang out if you want.” Kaneki rushed out, no doubt after Hide’s enthusiastic face turned into a pout.

“As your stalker, nothing would make me happier!” Hide took out his phone and gave it to Kaneki who punched his number in.

“I’ll text you, okay?” Hide nodded and Kaneki left, his smile looking a little less lonely again.

As several hours passed without Hide receiving a text, he really thought that Kaneki should have given him his number and not the other way around. But maybe if he had texted Kaneki too much the other would have shied away from him. No, this was best. This way Kaneki could decide when and what to talk to Hide about and Hide would not feel guilty about forcing the object of his observation into a friendship.

What that meant, however, was that now Hide was waiting for a text that never seemed to arrive. He checked his phone multiple times during the end of his shift, and even after that was over he looked at it, expecting a text from Kaneki to appear magically without a sound even though his phone wasn’t on silent mode. He got home without a single text from him.

Well that flunked. Bad.

He put on the TV but didn’t really listen. His stomach growled but he didn’t want to get up and grab food. It was disappointing, even if he barely knew Kaneki and didn’t raise his hopes up much in the first place. He thought they had connected, or at least shared a joke together. Well now there was no way he would know what that mysterious smile held.

He went to work for the next few days with a permanent scowl, which of course all of the nurses interpreted as “being rejected by his boyfriend”. He couldn’t care less about their gossip and ideas about his love life, but it was annoying to be reminded that Kaneki did in fact reject him. By the patient’s next visit, he still hadn’t texted and Hide decided to not visit him. It wasn’t like he had to visit him, his job was to assist nurses and doctors in any way possible and that didn’t entail attending to Kaneki Ken every time he visited.

However, his curiosity eventually grew so much that when Kaneki next visited, he found himself in the hallway of room 103. Kaede was taking vitals today and she silently grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to 103. Kaneki was reading, again a different book, and looked up as Hide protested his superior’s choices.

“Hey Hide. Hi Nurse Kaede.” Kaneki wasn’t usually one to start conversations, but Hide was glad this was one of the few occasions that he did.

“Hey Kaneki. Haven’t received a text from you lately. You sure you got my number right?” Kaneki seemed to disappear within himself for a second and his smile dropped along with his face.

“No, I just haven’t texted you. I don’t know what to say, everything seems so pointless.”

“I don’t care, I like pointless. Tell me about the weather for all I care, I just want to talk to you.” Kaneki’s pale cheeks filled with a lovely red and Kaede chose this exact moment to take the daily measures. Hide followed her and tried to stay focus on the task, but he itched to talk to Kaneki more.

When they were done and Kaede had left, Hide asked:

“How about we set a date for us to do something together, like go have lunch at Big Girl?”

“That sounds nice, let’s do it.”

“I’m free next Thursday afternoon.”

“So a late lunch or dinner?”

“I’d go for a late lunch, I get off at 2pm. If that’s okay with you.”

“Fine by me. And I will try to text you this time around. See you Thursday, stalker.”

“See you then, Kaneki.”

Hide didn’t know what to expect. He didn’t have much to talk about with Kaneki since he barely knew a thing about the guy and his mysterious aura only made him more nervous. Every time he thought of their outing? Date? Whatever it was, it only made him more curious and yet calm at the same time. Kaneki had that effect on him, like everything was going to be okay even if it really wasn’t. It was soothing as much as it was frustrating.

Kaneki texted him on Wednesday evening to confirm their ‘thing’ tomorrow and Hide replied with a huge smile plastered on his face. He made it through work on Thursday without messing up too much and every nurse chided him on his up in the clouds attitude. It would be weird to confess he did indeed think of Kaneki much of the morning, but not because he had a crush on him like Kaede loved to insinuate.

Because he was so intrigued by that smile. The secrets behind it, the lies it told along with the truths. And most importantly, what could be done to make it more genuine, less apologetic and less lonely. What Hide really wanted, and would never tell another living soul, was for Kaneki to smile sincerely, without pain or hidden truths. Just smile.

Hide knew a thing or two about smiling. His smiles were often truthful and happy, but he also had a history of hiding behind a façade of happiness. Sometimes smiling was like telling a white lie, letting the others believe things were fine when they really weren’t. It stopped people from inquiring further, from asking the real questions, from digging too deep into the intricate truths that made him up. Hide wasn’t one to pour his soul out to others, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t want Kaneki to do the very thing he was afraid of.

So he told himself he wouldn’t ask, and he wouldn’t pry. He would only become friends with Kaneki to try to get that smile a little brighter, a little happier, and a little less lonely.

His shift ended before he could even realize it had gotten so late. He signed out and rushed to the bus. He texted Kaneki his arrival time and looked out the window in anticipation.

He got there a few minutes later and found Kaneki already seated and waiting for him.

“Hey stalker.”

“Hey Kaneki! How’s your day?”

“Okay, I guess. I’m not in too much pain and I even got a haircut yesterday.” Looking at his head now, Hide could see that the white hair that had been getting long enough to brush his shoulders was now a bit shorter, which allowed him to see Kaneki’s grey eyes better.

“I’m not here to talk about your health state, though you probably should tell me if you’re not feeling well. And why is your hair white? It’s black on all the hospital files.” Kaneki chuckled.

“Only a good stalker would know this.” He paused. “No one knows why it grew back a different color. The doctor thinks it could be a side effect of the medication but he has never seen anything like it before.”

“Maybe you’re an alien that dyed his hair black! Or your hair decided on its own to match the color of the doctor’s blouse! Or maybe your hair changes color every time you cut it!” A waitress chose this very moment to approach them. They ordered and Hide went back to teasing Kaneki about his hair.

“You know, your hair color isn’t very natural either. At least not here in Japan.” Kaneki pointed out after giggling for a few minutes at Hide’s wilder and wilder suggestions.

“I like to stand out; I didn’t want to look like everybody else so I dyed it. Maybe you can dye yours too, if you don’t want to stick with white.”

“I don’t know, I don’t really see the benefit of doing it. I mean, would it really matter what my hair looks like?” ‘Since I’m going to die soon anyway’, the unspoken end of Kaneki’s statement hung in the air between the two, weighting down on them both.

“Of course it matters. You should choose what you look like and do things that you want to do! Life isn’t always about benefits or the greater good, sometimes you just have to do silly things when you feel like it.” Kaneki smiled again, and the pain seemed to have withered, leaving the weight on his shoulders a little lighter.

“Maybe you’re right.” Their food arrived and they ate mostly in silence, Hide commenting on the food and the waitresses, Kaneki listening and giving his opinion every now and then.

An hour later, they were outside the restaurant. Kaneki had insisted on paying and Hide had let him, the unspoken “Since I’m going to die soon anyway” weighting in the air once again. They walked alongside each other until they reached a park. Children were running around the playground, chasing each other, some of them falling and crying, others defying the laws of physics with their surprisingly strong little bodies. Parents were chatting on the sidelines, a few of them looking so worried they might lash out or faint any second, but most just sitting or standing without a care in the world. A few feet away from the playground was a large structure built to look like a whale. Children tried to climb it but eventually gave up as there was nothing fun to do with it other than sit on the top.

“I used to come here as a kid. After school let out, I would read on that big whale until the sun set and I knew my mother would be back home. I never had any friends, but sitting there so high up for a child, it felt like I didn’t need anybody. The heroes of the stories I read were enough to keep me company.” Kaneki said, an inaudible sigh on his lips. Without a second thought, Hide grabbed his hand and walked up to the structure.

“You want to sit on it with me? We can probably see the whole park from up there! We’ll be like the kings in a kingdom of tiny children.” Kaneki puffed in his hand and followed Hide up the whale. They sat there, the sun behind them throwing their elongated shadows side by side on the ground. The sounds of children playing were muted by the height and the wind became a murmur in their ears. Hide had been wrong though, you couldn’t see the whole park from up there. You couldn’t see past the playground, but that didn’t really matter.

Kaneki was looking longingly into the distance, his eyes filled with emotions so subtle and discrete Hide almost mistook them for a trick of the light. His mouth was no longer smiling but hung slightly agape, more relaxed than he’d ever seen it. They stayed quiet, each staring at their own little patch of grass and the city a little further away.

“It’s just like I remember it.” Kaneki whispered, like a confession to the wind, a little truth only Hide could hear even if it wasn’t meant for him.

“You can’t see the whole park though, what a letdown!” Kaneki seemed startled for a second but then chuckled hard enough to grab his sides.

“Yeah, I guess I could have warned you but you looked so much like an eager little kid I didn’t want to crush your hopes.”

“Kaneki, not telling me meant that this poor excuse for a view crushed my hopes. Damn you, stupid whale!” Hide punched the metal whale and then exclaimed in pain. Kaneki’s laughter doubled in volume, its sound crystalline and sincere. They stayed like this until he became quiet again, and then slid down from the structure. Children were still running around but the city had gotten louder as offices started closing for the day.

Hide and Kaneki walked in silence to the station, Hide glancing at his new friend (is that what they were now?) as if he couldn’t believe he was there. He was still very much curious about the mystery of Kaneki Ken, but now he could see the person that hid behind the smile. For the first time, he realized he wanted to be friends with Kaneki just because he felt like it, not because some part of him wanted to fix him or learn more about him. He only wanted a friend, like a lonely child wanted a friend, someone to do mischief and pinky promises with, someone to share his lunch, someone who could keep his secrets and tears to themselves, and someone who could cheer him up. It was as simple as that. Hide just wanted a friend, and he could tell that Kaneki was feeling a similar way.

They had to part ways at the station, and like a little child, a lost spirit in the harsh world created by adults; he put forward his pinky and declared:

“Promise me we’ll keep in touch, okay? Promise you’ll text me and have lunch with me! And I’ll promise too!” Kaneki looked surprised for a moment before a chuckle ran through his body. He was laughing openly as he grabbed Hide’s pinky with his own and replied:

“I promise! Let’s be friends, Hide.” Hide smiled more sincerely than he had in a while. They said their goodbyes and promised to text each other again, and then they each went their own way.

Hide spent most of his ride home thinking about Kaneki. In all his life he had easily made friends and was usually quite kind and approachable. Kaneki was different from any other friend he’d had. With him, everything just felt right, like no matter their past and their mistakes, things would always be okay. It was like having a warm cup of cocoa after coming out of the rain, or an ice cream in the middle of a hot summer’s day. It felt warm and comforting, soft and lighthearted. It felt like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading ! I just want to say that this whole story is already written out and I just need to edit the individual chapters, so I will be able to update pretty regularly.


	3. Chapter 2

Hide texted Kaneki a lot in the next few days, sharing uneventful things from eating ice cream for desert to news about his university classes. He avoided talking about the hospital at all costs, and he could tell Kaneki also didn’t bring up his health much. They only lived in the here and now, the happy and ephemeral. Every text brought them together like survivors on a raft, and every silence was like the sea drifting them apart once more. It was like walking a tightrope between heaven and hell, not sure which would make the landing more difficult or painful, wishing they could keep hanging on for a little while longer. Friendship had never been like this to Hide, never so simple yet so difficult.

On Kaneki’s next visit, Hide managed once again to help the nurse take his vitals. The staff had begun to expect him outside the door around the same time twice a week, and jokes had started to run out. This time, when Hide entered, Kaneki wasn’t reading. He was looking expectantly at the door, like he wished Hide would be the next one to come in. When he did, a smile brighter than any he had made before formed and Hide couldn’t help but smile in response.

“Hello Kaneki, how was your novel last night?” Kaneki had texted Hide about staying up until 2am to finish a book the night before, and was blushing at Hide’s mention of it. He recovered fast enough and replied with his bright smile:

“It was great actually, and I told you so last night. You should know since you stayed up until 2am with me.” It was Hide’s turn to flush a nice shade of pink, and the nurse suppressed a laugh.

“I was only up because I was studying. I got exams soon enough and I have to continue this volunteer job.” Hide rubbed his cheek, slightly embarrassed Kaneki had pointed out what was really the truth, and inventing the white lie hoping that it would justify his behavior. He had indeed stayed up late, waiting for each of Kaneki’s texts telling him about the book.

 Kaneki’s smile had faltered down a little and Hide felt guilty about it. “But don’t worry, I’ll still have time to hang out with you and text you, no worries!”

The nurse left and Kaneki started packing his things. Hide remained silent, observing how Kaneki’s lithe body moved with difficulty, bending slowly or awkwardly due to the pain he so rarely talked about.

“Hide, do you want to come over and watch a movie tonight? I got one from the bookstore yesterday and the clerk said it was one of his favorites.”

“Sure, what movie is it?”

“I think it’s got something to do with superheroes. Not sure since all it’s got on the cover is a bat.”

“You mean you got a Batman movie but you don’t even know Batman! Let’s get you educated!” Kaneki chuckled.

“So it’s a date?” Kaneki blushed. “Not a romantic date, like a friend thing…..”

“Yeah, definitely, I’ll be there.” Hide interrupted, saving Kaneki further embarrassment. “My shift ends at 6pm, you can send me your address and I’ll see you there.” Kaneki nodded and left while Hide put the room back in order.

Date. When had the meaning of such a simple word come to be associated with romance? It simply designated a certain point in time, a space in a calendar; certainly not a romantic getaway with roses and chocolates. It could also refer to a fruit, which made even less sense when associated with romance.

The end of his shift came soon enough and then he was off. Kaneki had sent him his address and it took him less than an hour to get there. It was in an apartment on the top floor, overlooking parts of the neighborhood. He rang and Kaneki was there within seconds, like he’d been stationed nearby anticipating Hide’s arrival.

“Hey, ready to watch some Batman?”

“Yes! I also bought popcorn and soda while you were finishing up work. I hope that’s okay.”

“It’s more than okay! Man, this is going to be so much fun!” Hide followed Kaneki in after taking off his shoes and they sat down on the couch. On the table stood a bowl of already cooked popcorn, along with a bottle of Coca-Cola and two glasses. Kaneki poured each of them a glass and began getting up to put the DVD in when Hide rose instead and did it for him. A silent “you don’t have to do that” was almost uttered, but Kaneki seemed relieved to stay seated and Hide was more than happy to have a look at which Batman movie they would be watching.

“The Dark Knight Trilogy! Sweet, they always were my favorite Batman interpretation. I can’t wait to share it with you.” Hide inserted the first movie in and settled back down on the couch.

The piece of furniture itself was meant for two people only and they soon found that out the hard way. In order for them to sit comfortably without unintentionally sharing too much personal space, they had to keep their legs together, and extending an arm to reach their drinks without accidentally touching the other was also a challenge. Thankfully, Hide decided to put the popcorn in the small space between their legs so they wouldn’t have any awkward touching (he didn’t really mind but he thought Kaneki wasn’t really big on physical contact). The movie began and they had managed to sit semi-comfortably.

Hide commented on the movie as he always did, insulting characters for being stupid, yelling at his favorite scenes or simply just laughing way harder than he should have been. Kaneki didn’t seem particularly bothered by it; he sometimes talked back or asked for clarifications, and even laughed along with Hide though the movie wasn’t especially funny. They would steal glances at each other, Hide to see if Kaneki was enjoying the movie as much as he was, and Kaneki to see the various grimaces on Hide’s face and chuckle at them.

They finished the popcorn by the beginning of the second movie. Hide could feel Kaneki getting tired and thought they might have to stop after this one. More minutes passed, and halfway through the movie there was a slight weight on Hide’s shoulder along with something tickling his cheek. He turned his head slowly and found with mixed surprise that Kaneki had fallen asleep there. His breaths were shallow and sounded more like sighs than any kind of snoring. His resting face was so peaceful and his body so warm against his arm that Hide didn’t dare disturb him. He sank back into the couch and tried to find the best position for the both of them until the movie was over. Then he could wake up Kaneki without feeling too guilty and take his leave.

Concentrating on the movie became harder after that. Every cough, every shiver, made him worry. He wrapped his arm around Kaneki’s shoulders to give him warmth, ignoring the way his face flushed at the thought of them being so closely intertwined.

This was fine, this was what friends did.

Or was it?

The barrier was blurry, and the warmth of Kaneki’s body was a constant reminder that Hide had never been this close physically to anybody before. It felt like sharing a single heartbeat, a treasure, a secret no one could understand. It was small but so big at the same time, and it made his heart swell with happiness.

He raised his free hand to push Kaneki’s bangs away from his eyes and looked at his delicate face at rest. His cheeks looked hollower than when he was awake, but his lips looked softer and their position less forced. They were like rose petals on a face of porcelain fragility, rosy from the breaths that came in through Kaneki’s slightly agape mouth. Hide caught himself wondering what they would feel like when they weren’t in that pained smile of his, always so put and neutral. They looked alive now, like they would be softer and sweeter.

What would they taste like if he kissed them?

Hide physically turned his thought and head away, mentally shaking his ideas gone until they disappeared. He couldn’t think of kissing Kaneki. They were friends and he was not going to fall for a boy with a terminal illness, not matter how cute and kissable he looked when he slept.

The movie ended and Hide gently shook Kaneki awake. He lifted his face, his eyelashes fluttering, until he found Hide staring back at him and he jumped back with a start.

“Sorry, I fell asleep! And on your shoulder! I’m sorry!”

“It’s okay. You looked like a little angel; I thought you deserved the rest. I felt bad waking you up before the end of the movie.” Kaneki blushed and the pink contrasted with the pallor of his face.

“Still, I’m sorry. I should have at least fallen asleep on the other side.” Kaneki got up and picked up the empty bowl and soda bottle and carried them to the kitchen, ending the awkward discussion. Hide followed suit with the cups and managed to set them in the sink without touching Kaneki again, afraid to embarrass Kaneki a second time. The blush on Kaneki’s cheeks had faded when he brought Hide to the door.

“Thanks for everything, Kaneki. Let’s do this again so we can finish the trilogy. Maybe I can come earlier next time.” Kaneki nodded and kept his face down to prevent Hide from seeing him blush again, though it was a poor disguise since any touch of color stood out on his face. Hide waved good bye and headed for the station.

He didn’t know what to make of his sudden thoughts about kissing Kaneki, but now that he was alone he no longer felt such strong pull towards the boy. He dismissed it as a one-time thing and went home; feeling pretty tired himself from a long day at work.

When he next saw Kaneki, he no longer felt the desire to kiss him and thought his minor problem had disappeared. They joked around while the nurse was taking his vitals. Kaneki hadn’t finished the movies by himself and was waiting for Hide to share them with him. They decided to get together again the next day to finish them.

“You better not fall asleep on me this time.” Hide joked after the nurse had left them alone. Kaneki blushed and Hide chuckled.

“Maybe this time you’ll be the one to fall asleep on me. Don’t you have a lot of studying to do for your exams or something?”

“Not right now, thankfully. Or else I wouldn’t be planning so many things with you.” Hide winked and Kaneki blushed bright red again, not giving a sign he had caught on to the lie Hide had fed him just a few days prior. Hide felt his heart jump in his chest, but he tried his best not to let it show. He accompanied Kaneki to the exit once he had gathered his things and then went on with the rest of his chores, his thoughts centered more or less around Kaneki and the things he wanted them to do together.

The next day, when Hide showed up at Kaneki’s apartment, he found his stomach in knots. As he waited in front of the door after ringing the doorbell, he felt anxious but couldn’t identify the reason for it. His exams were ages away and he didn’t have any bills due until the next month. Kaneki’s footsteps made themselves heard on the other side of the door and the butterflies in his stomach doubled in intensity, but as soon as the door opened and Kaneki welcomed him in with a sincere smile, the tension released itself and he felt calmer than he had all day. Kaneki’s presence had a soothing effect on the anxiety its anticipation gave him. Hide didn’t give much thought to his stomach as he entered and greeted Kaneki with a smile of his own.

Popcorn and soda were already on the coffee table, and the movie was ready.

“Prepared, aren’t we?”

“Well, I didn’t have much to do today. I put the movie back to the last moment I remember, sorry that you have to watch everything again. You should have woken me up sooner.” Kaneki’s face was tilted towards the ground and he was wringing his hands together.

“Nonsense. I’ve already seen the movies more times than I can count and I wasn’t going to wake you up when you were sleeping so peacefully. You deserved a good rest.” Hide slipped on the couch and Kaneki followed suit. They started the movie and put the popcorn between them again.

Five minutes in, Hide’s hand touched Kaneki’s when he reached inside the bowl and he retreated it like it had touched a burning stove. Kaneki whispered ‘sorry’ at the same time as him, but he didn’t dare look at him because he was sure his face was a deep shade of red. He checked the bowl the next few times before reaching in, his heart accelerating every time he thought of the moment his hand touched Kaneki’s.

They finished the popcorn with the first movie of the night (which was the second of the trilogy) and Hide put in the next movie while Kaneki brought the bowl to the kitchen.

“If you’re tired we can stop now.” Hide proposed, teasing Kaneki who blushed in response and dismissed him.

“No, I can stay up this time. Be careful you’re not the one to fall asleep on me.” Hide blushed and busied himself by starting the movie and then took his spot next to Kaneki.

The absence of the popcorn bowl made things awkward again, and his eyes couldn’t help but look at Kaneki ever so often. He felt fidgety but didn’t dare move a muscle, not wanting to make the situation even more uncomfortable between them. Kaneki was deep into the movie, still asking Hide questions ever so often and looking a bit surprised every time he turned to Hide to discover the other was already looking at him. On each of those times, Hide’s heart decided to dance the waltz in his chest a little, diminishing his focus on the question Kaneki was asking.

Why was he feeling this way? Things had been nice and comfortable with Kaneki ever since they had started talking. But now, everything was jumbled and Hide didn’t know how to feel. Happy? Nervous? Just normal? His stomach had somehow re-tangled itself by now and he had stopped focusing so much on the movie. He told himself to calm down and breathed deeply before turning his attention to the movie again.

But then Kaneki laughed and he turned his head to look at him. To look at his open mouth, his closed eyes and the happiness lines forming around them; how he emanated joy so much it made Hide’s heart want to jump out to him.

There it was again. The same feeling that had confused him the last time. With Kaneki’s mouth open and his lips parted, Hide could think of nothing but kissing them. Kissing them and sharing the laugh that made them move.

He wanted to kiss Kaneki Ken. But why?

He turned his eyes back to the movie but his thoughts were racing along with his emotions. The movie was finishing and Kaneki was gasping audibly as the hero on screen took his last action to save the city. He could not resist looking at the white haired boy again. This time he did not look away after mere seconds. His hands were on his open mouth and his knees brought up to his chest. He was still frail but did not look sickly, at least not at the moment. His eyes glinted with excitement and his cheeks were more flushed than usual.

After a minute or so, Kaneki turned towards Hide, denial all over his face as he was still very much focused on the movie. Unlike Hide, who was now so deep in thought he couldn’t help but smile as Kaneki turned towards him before looking away with his face as red as a tomato. It was in that moment, as Kaneki sighed with relief when the hero’s fate was revealed, that he realized what his body had been trying to tell him all along.

He had feelings for Kaneki, and not just the friendship kind of feelings. No, this was the kind of feeling that made your heart jump and dance while your stomach was reduced to a nervous mess every time you saw a certain person. The sort of feeling that gave you wings but also lead shoes; a contradiction that took place in your heart and made its home there. In that moment Hide wanted to get as close as possible to Kaneki but also as far away as he could. It felt like blessing and a curse, something that could bring them closer but also destroy them both.

That night, when he said his goodbyes to Kaneki, his mind was already elsewhere, wondering how he could have been so stupid. He had reached equilibrium with Kaneki, and being with him used to feel like home. Now it felt like he might combust any second. He shouldn’t have this; he shouldn’t be falling for a man who was doomed to die. He had only wanted to be friends with Kaneki, make his smile a little less sad, but now their moments together would be both a joy and a pain to him.

But he had no other choice. He couldn’t give in, their friendship was never meant to last and these feelings would only make things harder and more complicated once he had to give Kaneki up to the stars. He had only one option.

He had to ignore them. Ignore the way his heart danced with joy and his stomach tangled itself with nervousness. Ignore his crush on Kaneki, and let them have these last few weeks of freedom and life as friends. If there was one person he could do this for, it was Kaneki.

What a paradox.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!   
> I know it's been a while since the last chapter (especially since I already have everything written out) and I am sorry for the wait. I hope this is worth it.  
> Disclaimer: I don't know how hospitals work so if there's a blatant mistake please tell me!   
> PS: I could have chosen another movie, but this ended up being it even if it's not my favorite I just thought Hide would be the kind of dork to be into it.


	4. Chapter 3

On Kaneki’s next visit to the hospital, Hide was the first to go register him in. He hadn’t done so in the past but felt brave due to the last few weeks they had spent together and his decision to spend the time remaining being the best friend he could to Kaneki. He brought him to his room and got the nurse to take care of him before returning to his duties. He got back to Kaneki’s room once his treatment was over and they got a few minutes of time together.

They mostly chatted about their lives, the old lady Kaneki helped on the train or the fat guy Hide saw eating a salad at Big Girl. Small talk, but with Kaneki it turned into a beautiful melody that made Hide’s heart sing with joy. These few minutes were precious to him and he wanted to make the most of them. He brought Kaneki to the entrance and sent him on his way. During all this his stomach wouldn’t stop jumping in its cavity and his heart skipped a beat every time Kaneki said anything or even looked his way; but through sheer force of will Hide managed (or he thought he did) to contain it all and not let it show. The rest of his day was dedicated to finding something to do with Kaneki. He didn’t want to think that they had a deadline, but the truth was that they did and he had to pack those few weeks as much as he could. He asked his co-workers about things to do in the city, or even outside of it, but too many answers came back to him to arrive at any decent plan by the end of the day.

The answer came around midnight when Kaneki texted him that he was unable to fall asleep.

**KEN: The moon looks like a cradle.**

**HIDE: At least you can see the moon, the only view from my window is the parking lot.**

**KEN: I don’t know if it’s much better to look at the moon, it’s like a reminder that you should be asleep but you aren’t. Maybe it should look like a frown instead of a cradle.**

**HIDE: Maybe. Or maybe it’s telling you that’s it’s okay to be awake at this hour, instead it’s reminding you you’re not alone.**

**KEN: Maybe.**

**KEN: Different topic, but there’s this museum exhibit that’s closing next week and I really wanted to go. Want to come?**

**HIDE: Yes!**

**KEN: I didn’t think you’d be so enthusiastic… Tomorrow then? Or do you want to wait until the weekend?**

**HIDE: Tomorrow works. I can get off early afternoon and find you there.**

**KEN: Okay.**

**KEN: Thanks, Hide.**

**HIDE: That’s what friends are for, man!**

Kaneki didn’t answer and must have fallen asleep shortly after. But Hide tossed and turned for a long time, his thoughts racing. It was like his brain couldn’t shut down and kept making him think of Kaneki, setting his cheeks ablaze and his heart pumping furiously every time. He finally got some shut eye around 4am, but it was short respite as his alarm clock woke him up in a foul mood a few hours later.

The day was painfully slow and every minute felt like an eternity as Hide awaited his museum visit with Kaneki. The nurses often found him staring into space or falling asleep against a wall and continuously teased him. They still called Kaneki his boyfriend, but by now that joke was starting to get old. And it also had stopped being so meaningless to Hide since he had realized his feelings for Kaneki. He still dismissed the jokes with a dry laugh, but it was more often than not accompanied with a blush that he tried to hide as well as he could.

2pm eventually came and he checked out as fast as lighting, rushing out the door and making it to the station in less than 10 minutes. Half an hour later, he was in the hall of the museum looking for Kaneki. He was eating the sandwich he had prepared in the morning with one hand, and with the other he was texting his friend. He scanned the horizon but saw no white tuft of hair. Kaneki was not answering and Hide could feel his stomach getting ready to expel the meal he was now ingesting.

Then a light tap on his shoulder made him jump and turn around, electricity flowing through his body. It was Kaneki, and he was wearing a black button up shirt with his usual black jeans that contrasted with his hair. Hide felt a lump form in his throat and he forced it down as unsuspiciously as possible. Kaneki was smiling brightly, the hint of pain no longer present. He looked like a regular patron coming from work to visit a gallery. Hide could feel his stomach clench again, but he deepened his breaths and managed to stay calm.

“Hey!”

“Hey.” Kaneki tilted his head to the side and Hide felt his breath catch.

“I’ll finish my sandwich as fast as possible and then we can go. Sorry, I thought I would have time before you showed up.”

“It’s okay. I already bought the tickets.” Hide opened his mouth to reply but Kaneki cut him off. “And I will not accept your money back, this was my idea after all and so I’m paying. It’s already so nice of you to be here with me, I can’t make you pay for your own entrance, now can I?” Hide heard the real excuse behind his words but chose to ignore it. This was going to be a fun afternoon, no use on dwelling on sad facts.

He ate the rest of his food in under five minutes, Kaneki giggling and telling him to slow down or he would choke. It was almost 3pm when they finally entered the exhibit and soon after Hide was already feeling bored looking at the exposition.

But not Kaneki. He was walking around, nose up in the air, eyes dazed, and the faintest smile of admiration on his lips. He was like in a trance, unaware of his surroundings apart from the art, so much so he eventually hit a chair once. Hide stayed by his side, trying to find what it was that was taking Kaneki away from him. Their silence was mirrored by that of the other visitors, but Hide couldn’t help himself and cracked a few jokes, most of which only drew a wider smile from Kaneki but no other response.

He was lost to Hide, but looking at him more intently; Kaneki seemed to finally be at peace. He was no longer nervously wringing his hands together, or rubbing his chin. His smile was as sincere as when he looked at Hide, and mostly he looked like a lost child that had finally found their parents in a crowd. Relieved. Satisfied. No longer afraid. Happy.

They went on like this for most of the tour, until Kaneki stumbled on his own feet and Hide suggested they sit down for a bit. Kaneki almost dropped on the bench, and Hide had to support his back from falling on the other side. He thought it was strange how quickly Kaneki had become tired, but decided not to make a big deal out of it.

“I guess my stamina isn’t what it used to be. Walking must have taken a lot out of me.” Kaneki chuckled lightly but Hide was concerned. Kaneki hadn’t looked like he would fall over a moment ago when he was admiring the art, but now he could see fatigue seeping out through every aspect of him. His eyes looked like they were about to close, his posture was slouched and his sighs deeper. He felt like cracking a few more jokes, or at least saying something to lighten up the mood but Hide was momentarily out of words. It was like every reassurance he wanted to give died on his lips.

Eventually the words came back to him, though they tasted a bit different.

“Hey, are you sure you’re okay? We can go home if you’d prefer.” Kaneki looked at him sadly, like he was disappointed and Hide felt a pang of regret.

“No, I want to finish this. This is my last opportunity to see it anyway.” Hide knew that he was talking about the closure of the exposition but he couldn’t help but be reminded of the deadline they were working with. Soon, sooner than he would like, much too soon, Kaneki would be gone and would not be able to see this exposition even if it re-opened. This was his last opportunity, period. End of sentence forced by end of life.

“Okay, buddy. I want to see if there’s another painting I can make a good pun of too!” Kaneki smiled a bit brighter, but Hide could still feel the shadow of his imminent death tower over them like a looming reaper watching over its victim.

“I’m sorry for making you come here.”

“Nonsense, I love doing anything as long as it’s with you.” Kaneki blushed and Hide felt his face flush in return, his insides dancing the cancan frantically.

“Thanks for being with me then. I appreciate it.”

Minutes and visitors passed; Hide and Kaneki sat in silence looking at the painting before them. Eventually, Kaneki got up and Hide followed suit. They continued the tour in silence, Kaneki looking at the art like a lost child and Hide looking at Kaneki, watching his awed expression and smiling at seeing him so happy. It made sense for them to be quiet; it felt like a religious moment, them just enjoying the things they liked. It held sacred value and Hide didn’t dare interrupt it with his usual jokes.

Sooner than they would have liked, the visit was over and they found themselves in the lobby again, Kaneki sitting down once more as his legs had almost given out. Hide was torn between the desire to make sure Kaneki was okay and their shared need for their relationship to be as casual and unrelated to Kaneki’s illness as possible. His caring nature took over, and he finally offered to bring Kaneki home. The white haired boy consented, though not without a slight sadness in his look.

Like he was disappointed in himself for not being to visit a museum on his own anymore.

The ride to Kaneki’s apartment was as quiet as the walk through the exhibit, but its quality was muted. It was more of a silence born out of forced respect, like one at a school assembly, a public announcement, or a funeral. Hide managed to keep smiling through it, but it was more out of habit than a real happiness. They arrived and Kaneki fell unto the couch after taking off his shoes. Hide followed him in, unsure of what to do.

“I’m glad I went to this exhibit with you, it was great.” Kaneki looked surprised. “Well, it’s more your thing than mine, but it was still nice and like I said, anytime with you is great. I hope you get some rest, and I’ll be on my way, I guess.” Hide turned around and started leaving but stopped when he heard Kaneki speak, though it was more a murmur than anything.

“Thank you, Hide.” He looked back and found that Kaneki had already fallen asleep. He was lying on the couch so Hide concluded he could leave him there without severe problems for his back. Besides, carrying him to his bed could result in even more awkward situations and he had already told himself to deny his feelings room to grow. He could not afford to give them reason to continue existing. He would not, not because he didn’t want to, but because he was afraid of what that might bring. Today had been another reminder that Kaneki wouldn’t be around forever and that he had to make the last moments count.

Reeling his tears in and forcing a smile on his face, he put his shoes back on and left.

“I love you, Kaneki Ken.” He whispered as he looked one last time at Kaneki’s sleeping form.

His concern did not fade away on his way home. It didn’t get worse either, it just remained there, a constant knot in his stomach that things were not right and there was nothing he could do about it. It was inevitable, but the more he thought about it the worse it made him feel. Like filling his belly with lead which he knew would slowly contaminate him.

He pushed the thoughts out of his mind best as he could, and focused instead of what he could do to make the situation better, to make Kaneki happier. He was about to text him but remembered he had been asleep when Hide had left.

That night, reminders of what the future held in store haunted him and mixed with his usual happiness and ideas of what he wanted to do with Kaneki. If Kaneki were better and they had all the time in the world, he wanted to do everything with him. Go see new movies in theatres, ride a roller coaster, share cotton candy, dance, sing, play, watch people, eat at Big Girl again, ride a bicycle, read a book together, have sleepovers, visit a new country or city, he wanted all of it and more. He wanted to experience life with Kaneki, from the small silly mistakes to the grandiose moments, his little gesture of rubbing his chin to his falling asleep on Hide’s shoulder. It hurt how much he wanted but couldn’t have. He could only have some of it, but he had to choose wisely, and that thought crushed him. How do you enjoy your time with someone if you keep reminding yourself it could be the last one?

He woke up with a headache and his stomach in knots. He drank an entire glass of water and almost threw it back out. He felt like shit and that was the least of his worries. His meddled thoughts last night were still roaming around, creating chaos. Yesterday had been a too clear reminder of what awaited Kaneki and he couldn’t help but think about it.

After taking painkillers and sitting in bed for about an hour, his head cleared and he realized he had held the answer to his problems all along: not dwelling on it too much and just enjoy the time he spent with Kaneki. As hard as that seemed to do now, it was the best solution he could come up with, since Kaneki didn’t seem too eager to discuss his illness. He couldn’t let his need to make every moment the best be a shackle. He was Hide, and he should do the thing he knew to do best of all: smile and be kind. Worrying for Kaneki wouldn’t do any good, but being there for him and having a good time together would.

Hide felt a smile grow on his lips, touching them as the thought of kissing Kaneki arose once more. As resigned as he was in his decision to ignore his feelings, he couldn’t help but feel like he was denying himself for Kaneki’s sake, even though putting Kaneki’s wellbeing before his own was an obvious decision.

His phone vibrated and his self-doubt hid for a moment. It was a text from Kaneki.

**KEN: I can’t believe I fell asleep on the couch!**

**HIDE: Sorry, I didn’t want to move you. You looked so peaceful, like a little angel.**

**KEN: An angel?**

**HIDE: Yep! A cute little white haired angel falling straight from heaven. I didn’t dare disturb your slumber, besides I figured you’d be embarrassed again if I moved you.**

**KEN: Oh. Thanks then, I guess.**

**HIDE: No problem! You don’t have any neck or back pain though? Because I’d feel bad if you did.**

**KEN: My neck is sore, but that might be from the museum visit. Don’t blame yourself, it’s really okay.**

**HIDE: Next time I’ll put you in bed, I promise.**

**KEN: Next time? It’s okay, really, I don’t mind sleeping on the couch.**

**HIDE: But your neck! We wouldn’t want you to be in pain, now would we?**

Before Kaneki could reply Hide added:

**HIDE: Anyways, I’m free today and I know you don’t have a checkup planned. You want to do something? Maybe a little less tiring than walking in a museum?**

**KEN: I don’t know. I guess we can have lunch again, maybe another restaurant. I know there’s a new place that serves hamburgers not far.**

**HIDE: Now you’re speaking my language. Can I pick you up around noon?**

**KEN: You don’t have to do that. It’s near my apartment, I’ll send you the address.**

**HIDE: OK, I’ll see you there then! Can’t wait (also I am starving)!**

**KEN:** **J**

Hide jumped into the shower, forgetting breakfast altogether in favor of having a big lunch. He felt much happier than when he had woken up, so much so he even sang which was a thing he rarely did because he wasn’t much of a singer. It wasn’t that his voice was bad or that he was off-key, he just didn’t really see the point in singing unless it was for a good reason. It didn’t cheer him up, but made him extra joyful when he already was in a good mood, which was the case in that moment. Singing was a way to externalize his emotions when he had no other way, whether it was happiness, sadness, anger, or frustration. He didn’t usually sing a specific song, just a tune he either invented or remembered from a song he had heard once. Hide had never been someone in love with listening or creating music, but he could admit that sometimes a few notes could carry your feelings better than any words ever could.

A few minutes later, he was clean and dressed. He had chosen an orange t-shirt along with his favorite hoodie and current clean jeans. His phone indicated the time as 10:30am and he was not meeting Kaneki until noon. He opened his textbook and tried to read, but soon found out that either his hunger or anticipation was making it impossible to retain anything. So he decided to do the one thing he hated most of all but that could be done in his present mental state: cleaning. He washed all the dishes in the sink. Vacuumed the entire apartment, even cleaned the toilet and scrubbed the bathtub.

When he looked at the clock again it was past noon already and he almost rushed out the door wearing his slippers and a rag on his shoulder. He thankfully got back to get his clothes in order as well as his keys. He had 2 messages from Kaneki and 1 missed call. He called him soon after leaving as he walked to the station.

“Hide?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Sorry I’m late; I was cleaning and didn’t see the time pass. This is the first time this ever happened to me, so I don’t know what to tell you. I’ll be there in a few minutes; I’m practically running to the station right now.”

“It’s okay, I got us a table. I guess it’s good you cleaned your apartment. Not that I’m saying it was dirty or anything, I’ve never seen it!” Hide chuckled, running down the stairs into the station.

“Maybe I can show you now that it’s clean. Anyway, I can’t talk once I’m on the train. I’ll see you soon.” Hide hung up as his connection failed and got on the first train he could.

He made it 20 minutes later and it was almost 1pm. He was now positively starving and ever so embarrassed. He apologized to Kaneki which made the other blush in return and they finally sat down for their meal. Neither of them really talked while they browsed the menu and then ordered. Hide was the first to give in, nervousness and curiosity winning out in the end.

“So, I told you about my morning, how was yours? Apart from waking up on the couch and hurting all over.” A corner of Kaneki’s mouth lifted, a dimple forming as he answered.

“Not much really. I just read a bit and looked at the news.”

Hide hesitated on asking Kaneki if he still felt tired like the day before, but he decided against it. Seeing Kaneki almost smile and share his morning like it was nothing was proof enough that he was okay, at least for now. He didn’t appear to be in pain and the bags under his eyes looked as bad as they always had. He ate with appetite, while Hide practically devoured his plate remembering he hadn’t had breakfast.

It was peaceful and at the same time it was stormy. While Hide put out a smile and nonchalant attitude, his emotions were running wild. His heart was beating loudly in his ears and he could feel it, like a grip, like a force, pushing him towards Kaneki; like all his heart wanted was to beat right next to Kaneki’s. It hurt, but it was also an intoxicating feeling, something he never wanted to end no matter how nervous or pathetic it made him feel.

They talked about this and that, sweet appreciative silences slipping in the middle with none really caring, it was once again the magic Hide had felt the first time they had spent time together. This calm  loving sensation, like putting on a warm blanket after coming out of the cold or slipping into a comfortable bed at the end of a long day. It was reassuring, satisfying, and natural. He didn’t want to think about losing it. Hide wanted to hold on to that feeling forever.

Eventually they finished their meal, paid and Kaneki walked Hide to the station. It almost felt routinely, like they’d been doing this every week for a long time and would continue to do so for another long time. But they hadn’t, and they couldn’t; and as Hide reminded himself of that he felt a pang of sadness stain the happy moment they’d just had.


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry for the tardiness, there was a heatwave (still here) and I couldn't focus enough to edit this chapter, but I was finally able to so hurrah!  
>  In this chapter the play "Waiting for Godot" is mentioned and plays an important part so if you don't anything about it, this is a summary 101: Vladimir and Estragon wait by a tree for a dude named Godot (who never shows up) and pass the time by talking by themselves or another dude that visits. In the end they reflect on how time goes by faster when you occupy it, even if you've waiting for the same thing for ages. In the end they'll continue waiting and bidding their time until the sweet release of death. (if you don't get how this is an actual play, it is part of the theatre of the absurd and so does not have to actually make a lot of literal sense).  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter and I should be back with another one on Sunday ( on time)!

 

Another week passed without much happening. Hide still accompanied Kaneki along on his every visit and they had lunch together about twice. While Kaneki seemed to get more easily tired, he said nothing in front of Hide and tried his best to hide it. His smile grew increasingly shorter, his visits became longer and Hide couldn’t help but feel like he was the one lying openly to his friend by pretending everything was okay. He was torn between enjoying the ephemeral time he had with Kaneki or giving in to his devouring worry and once and for all admitting defeat. The line he had been walking on from day one had shrunken to a tightrope, a thin nylon thread that required equilibrium only a gifted gymnast would possess, and Hide knew that he could only hold on to it for so long. Soon enough, reality would simply give him a slight nudge and make him fall. Maybe if he jumped before that happened he could choose which side to fall on. Ideally he would be able to keep Kaneki as a friend and they would enjoy his last moments together. If he wanted that to happen, he had to jump soon. He had to be brave and accept this burden, something he could not bear for any other person.

“What are you thinking about?” Hide asked. Kaneki was packing his things after his visit and he seemed more lost in thought than usual. He wasn’t listening to Hide’s story of how he once rode a bike through a crowded mall to give an old lady her umbrella back.

“Nothing much, just the regular stuff.” Hide would pay anything to know what that meant and be able to listen to Kaneki’s thoughts on a daily basis. But that would be creepy and so he would just have to rely on the accessible method of prying things out of Kaneki, not that it ever worked really well.

“If it were just the usual, you wouldn’t be in your own little world instead of listening to my magnificent story. Do you even know what it’s about?”

“Bikes?”

“That’s only one part of it. Come on, spit! What were you thinking about?”

“It’s just this play that’s going on and I was wondering if I should go see it.”

“Why hesitate? Just go, I can come with if you’d like!” Hide chuckled. Kaneki blushed and didn’t answer right away.

“You don’t even know what play it is. Besides, I was only wondering whether I should go or not because it’s not my favorite but it …” Kaneki swallowed audibly, averting his gaze, “it might be the last chance I get to see one, you know.” Hide felt the temperature of the room drop and his permanent smile falter, but he recovered and slapped Kaneki’s back to startle him.

“Maybe it is, but it doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to see one you don’t like.”

“I do like it, but maybe –“

“No buts, except yours on a theatre sit next to mine when we go see that play. What is it called?”

“ _Waiting For Godot_. I don’t know whether you’ll like it or not, Beckett is an acquired taste.”

“I don’t care. If you want to watch it, then we’ll go.” Kaneki paused.

“Are you sure?”

“Hell yeah I’m sure! You can tell me more about it until we go. You take the tickets?”

“I can do that.” Kaneki went out the door and looked back. “I don’t want you to force yourself if you don’t want to go.”

“I said I wanted to go, didn’t I? I don’t go to plays often and seeing one that you like will widen my horizons. Besides, it can’t be that bad if you like it.”

“Okay then. I’ll text you about it. See you soon, stalker!” Hide smiled wider as he said goodbye to Kaneki. It had been a while since he’d used that little sobriquet. Once Kaneki was gone Hide could feel his whole body relax like he’d been holding it together through sheer force of will the entire time, like a thread being strung for a long time and finally let loose.

A few hours later he received a text from Kaneki giving him the possible dates and times for the viewing. He replied with the ones he could make, as his classes still took time in his schedule along his volunteering at the hospital. They managed to find a date some ten days later. Kaneki convinced Hide to let him buy the tickets and Hide offered an exchange of chocolates which he proposed to buy the following day. Kaneki tried to argue his way out of it, Hide’s brain going wild as he imagined how much he would be blushing in real life. Finally, they came to an agreement and Hide went home to study a bit since he had been falling behind on his classes.

It was already hard juggling his work at the hospital with homework, but he had been neglecting the two recently due to his eagerness to spend time with Kaneki, and teachers were beginning to throw exams left and right and he could not exactly afford to fail. He would just have to balance all three things even more expertly than before and hope for the best. Kaneki took priority, no matter how much he reminded himself that his future would be more important in the end. He had trouble focusing in class and getting started on homework, preferring to imagine future dates with Kaneki than get anything serious done.

The next day he went to buy the promised chocolates right after his classes. Having already gotten Kaneki’s favorite brand by text the night before, he looked for it in multiple stores. Some didn’t seem to have it at all and others were out of it. It was an obstacle in his plans, and it ended up taking him more than an hour to find just a couple of chocolates. Thankfully, he didn’t have to meet with Kaneki that night. He asked the cashier to wrap them in a nice package and wrote a note along with it. The lady winked at him, and he smiled back, not brave enough to explain that this was not for a girlfriend.

A day later he gave Kaneki the chocolates after coming off from work. They met at the park with the whale structure, Kaneki already waiting for him at the base of the metal work.

“Do you want to go up there today?” Hide asked.

“Maybe not, we can stay on the ground.” The structure was empty but Hide could hear the fatigue in Kaneki’s voice making it clear what the real reason for his refusal was. They sat down on the grass in front of the whale and Hide took out the chocolates from his bag. Kaneki thanked him and put them away. A soft silence followed as they looked out at the city in front of them. The lower view made the buildings seem taller, like they were small children staring at giants made of metal and concrete. Hide resisted the urge to draw closer to Kaneki, or to intertwine their hands. Instead he just glimpsed at his friend, furtively, naively, so sweetly it made his heart ache with joy.

Kaneki caught his gaze and held it, his eyes glowing with his little smile. Hide blushed and looked at his feet, while Kaneki giggled a sweet sound, pure and innocent. Hide felt like a middle schooler again, sitting next to his crush and becoming a fluttering mess every time they did anything. He looked back and Kaneki was staring at him this time, his smile morphed into a reassuring look, something a mother might give her child to calm them after something scary. He held on to his gaze, his brain telling him to look away but his eyes mesmerized by the intensity and truthfulness of it all.

“Your eyes are really brown.” Kaneki whispered. Hide blushed and Kaneki, realizing his blunder, looked away, muttering. “I just never noticed how brown they were. It’s pretty.” Hide blushed harder and felt his heart skip a few beats.

When he regained his senses, he looked at Kaneki again and replied.

“Thanks, I guess. But yours are prettier, grey isn’t a color you see every day. And on top of that they change a bit depending on the weather.”

“Do they?” Kaneki was the one blushing now. Hide felt a surge of satisfaction and continued.

“Yeah, they look almost black in low light, grey in most environments and when the sun shines, they look almost blue. It’s mesmerizing.” Hide said that last part without thinking and almost regretted it as Kaneki became a blushing mess in front of him. “I mean that in a good way, they’re just really pretty.”

Hide looked away, afraid to have committed yet another faux pas, but a few seconds later he heard the crystalline sound of Kaneki’s laugh, small and contained at first but then more open and full of heart.

“Look at us, complimenting each other’s eyes. People could almost think we’re a couple.” Hide laughed along, feeling his heart ache at the reminder that his love for Kaneki was not reciprocated. (Not that he had bothered to check, he just liked to assume to worst possible case scenario so as to not be disappointed.)

“Your eyes are still the prettiest and that’s the end of the discussion.” They giggled together for a little bit after that and then settled into a pleasant silence.

Children ran around, parents after them or siting at a bench in the distance. The sun was setting, painting the sky varieties of red behind the buildings that turned a dark hue due to the lack of light. Hide rose up and held out his hand to help Kaneki. They walked back to the station, the same comforting silence between them with the occasional comment. They separated there and Hide went home with the events of the evening still playing in his head. The way Kaneki had looked at him, how he had involuntarily complimented his eyes, how close they had been to each other, so close their fingers could have touched had Hide wanted to. And god did he want to, but once again he had to stop himself. Being Kaneki’s friend was the best he could do; involving a romantic interest in this ephemeral relationship would only complicate it and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

A few nights later they met up for dinner before heading out to the play. Hide had made an effort and was wearing a button up with his usual jeans, while Kaneki was almost wearing a suit which made Hide question the youthfulness of his heart as it stopped upon seeing it. It wasn’t that Kaneki looked bad in regular clothing, they suited him well enough; but it was like suits were made for his frail although well-formed body. And its dark grey color complemented his eyes.

They ate near the theatre, Hide struggling to keep his eyes at face level as Kaneki’s ass was looking too fine to be allowed. It was simply unfair and he couldn’t help but glance at him every time he had the chance. Once they were seated, the task of focusing on Kaneki himself became easier but not by much as Kaneki’s natural elegance was only highlighted by his clothes.

They ate and Hide was able to look mostly at his delicious food while asking questions about the play.

“So I’ve searched online a bit and I got that it’s mostly about two guys waiting for a third one.”

“That’s the plot. I don’t want to reveal too much because then it defeats the purpose of the play. I don’t know how to describe it, just be prepared if things don’t make a lot of sense. It is part of the theatre of the absurd after all. I just hope you don’t get bored and are not going out of obligation.”

“I already told you, I want to go. I want to know what sort of play you like and widen my narrow horizons. As you saw, I’m not the most cultured person so having you to guide me is more a favor than a burden.”

“If you say so, stalker.”

Hide felt warmth spread through his chest at the nickname. Kaneki had this talent of making him feel things to the extreme in very simple ways, and while he couldn’t help but enjoy it, it became hard at times to keep his composure.

They left for the theatre and made it to their seats still early. Hide couldn’t help but made snide comments about the other visitors. One greying man was accompanied with a younger occidental woman, and an old lady was clutching her purse like a lifeline while being lead to her seat by what seemed like her grandson who looked as bored as can be. Others were what you would expect from such a type of crowd, and most of them were better dressed than Hide.

Next to Hide, Kaneki was wringing his hands and torturing the program as a result. Hide didn’t think twice and put his hand on top of Kaneki’s smaller ones causing them to jump.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. I just wanted to tell you to relax. Everything will be fine.”

Kaneki came down from his emotional surprise and looked at Hide with slight worry. Hide realized his hand was now hanging in mid-air above Kaneki’s lap and he retracted it along with his gaze.

“Thanks Hide.” Kaneki whispered, sending a shiver through Hide’s spine by the softness of it all. They stayed silent until the show started and then through most of it.

The play was nearing its end, or at least Hide expected it to be because it felt he like he’d been sitting here for half a century, almost as long as Vladimir and Estragon themselves. His focus was almost gone and he was half thinking about what opinion he could form from this when he heard a small sniffle nearby. He didn’t pay it any mind until it repeated, this time a little louder but still quiet. Quiet enough that it could only come from one of his neighbors. He looked to his right and found the person half asleep. So if they weren’t the source of the sound, then….

To his left Kaneki was sitting with his arms clutching the program hard against his chest, his body shaking with silent sobs as a tear glistened on his cheek. It took Hide a second to register the sight he was seeing and another to get his gaze back on the stage. He couldn’t intervene, it wasn’t proper and he didn’t know what to do anyway.

Kaneki crying wasn’t a scenario he was planning for. He didn’t even know what had caused it, much less how to stop it. It was silent enough that it wasn’t bothering anyone so he decided to let Kaneki deal with his emotions for now until he could offer his help later on. He had to stop himself multiple times from looking at Kaneki again, or from wrapping his arms around him to stop the shaking, no matter how much he wanted to. A burning desire to envelop Kaneki in security and warmth, ask him what was wrong and comfort him made it impossible for Hide to focus on the end of the play.

As soon as the lights came back on, after the actors bowed several times, he allowed himself to look at Kaneki again. His tears were dry and he wasn’t shaking as badly. He was still holding onto the program for dear life and looking back at Hide with glazed over eyes, like a lost child searching for his mother in a sea of strangers. Hide grabbed his hand against his own recommendations and brought an almost lifeless Kaneki through the crowd and into a taxi. Kaneki only protested when it became clear they were both heading for his apartment.

“You didn’t have to – “

“Yes I did. I couldn’t let you alone like that. I won’t pry for answers but I’ll make sure you’re okay.”

They reached Kaneki’s apartment without further conversation. Kaneki dropped on the couch and Hide offered to make some tea to calm his nerves. The shaking had calmed down now but Kaneki was still pale and his gaze unfocused. He looked like someone who had just cried for a long time, or hadn’t cried enough yet and knew there were more tears to come. No matter, Hide would stay at his side until Kaneki was feeling better. He felt a pang of regret for choosing to see the play after all, but it was so minor compared to his worry for Kaneki that it did not matter. He chose a chamomile to brew and came back to the living room a few minutes later to find Kaneki in the same position he had left him. He didn’t register Hide’s entrance and kept staring at the floor. Hide brought the cups down on the coffee table and sat next to Kaneki as silently as possible. He wanted to make a joke to lighten the mood, but knew it was not the time at all. Instead he grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and spread it over their legs, crossing his in an attempt to give Kaneki more space.

Silence filled the air like a dark cloud filling the atmosphere with heavy humidity. The only incongruent noises were the fridge, the occasional lifting and putting down of cups, the quiet breathing of Hide and the shaking exhalations of Kaneki. Time passed ever so slowly while they waited, blending from minutes into an incalculable lapse that no one could assess properly. Kaneki began drinking his tea in silence along Hide but still wouldn’t talk, not that Hide wanted him to. It felt like the calm before the storm and part of him was hoping the storm would never come. It was too soon; too early to break the pretense they had spent so long building. It was alright if it lasted a little bit longer.

“I don’t want it to end.” Kaneki’s voice was broken from crying and so quiet Hide only heard it because the room was in almost absolute silence. As soon as it was said he knew he felt it too. He didn’t want it to end either, didn’t want this moment, their friendship, or Kaneki’s life to end. He didn’t look at Kaneki, instead drinking his tea to let Kaneki let out all he wanted to say, if there was anything more.

 It came a few moments later, a repressed sob preceding it.

“I don’t want it to end. I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want to stop spending time with you, I don’t want to – “An audible sob made it past Kaneki’s lips this time. It was quiet, as small as his smile was and as apologetic too; but mostly it was a cry for help. “I know what we’re doing is just passing the time, we’re just waiting. It makes life go faster, but it doesn’t make the destination any better. I’ve been lying to myself, thinking this was a good thing, that it would make me happy; but all it will do is make the end more painful.”

“That’s not true at all.” Hide interrupted, tears pooling in his own eyes as he turned towards Kaneki’s crying ones. “That’s not true, we’re not wasting this time! And this is making me happy. Spending time together is not just about passing time, it’s about having fun together.”

“It’s all the same anyway. Whether I spend this time by myself reading, or with you, I’ll end up the same way. I’ll end up dead.” Kaneki’s shoulders shook and more sobs escaped his lips. His hands were wrung tight on his lap and his eyes were looking down at them without really seeing them.

“Maybe that’s true, we’ve been pretending the end of our story didn’t exist, that’d we have eternity together; but we don’t. This is my fault as well, but it doesn’t make what we do before that end bad or not worth it. It is very much worth it! I love spending every minute with you Kaneki, I would do anything to spend more time with you.”

“Thanks Hide. But I don’t know if I can believe you. For so long I’ve denied the fact that I’m dying, that I’ll be gone before I get to do all the things I want to do with you. I thought that if I ignored it, the problem would disappear or I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Tonight I was reminded that I was only passing the time, making it go faster while I wait for my death. I can’t go anywhere; there is no other way this can end for me. I’m going to die and I can’t do a single goddamn thing about it!” The last words, almost yelled, hung in the air between them. Hide couldn’t find a reply right away and Kaneki was shaking and sobbing so much it would go unheard.

“You can have fun with me.” Hide said once Kaneki had calmed down a bit. “I know we’ve been pretending everything was okay until now, but we can’t anymore. We have to face the truth, no matter how hard it is. But we can still have fun, having a deadline doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the time before it.” Kaneki looked at Hide, his grey eyes like an endless well of pain seeking comfort. They seemed to ask “are you sure?”; speaking for Kaneki’s mouth because it seemed unable to form words. Hide nodded and opened his arms on a whim. Kaneki hesitated for a second then jumped, still shaking, and wrapped his arms nervously around Hide while burying his head in Hide’s shoulder. Hide closed his arms around Kaneki and nestled his own head in the offered crook of Kaneki’s nape.

“It’s true we may not have much time left, but we can make the most of it.” Hide murmured gently, like a soothing mantra, into Kaneki’s ear. The white haired boy sobbed against Hide’s shoulder, his tears wetting the shirt beneath. Hide rubbed his hand on Kaneki’s back, using everything he could to comfort his friend and calm him down; but Kaneki’s sobs continued. Finally Kaneki uttered something he had been holding on for too long, so long it had begun to fester in his chest and infect his life in ways he could not see until now. It was so simple and yet so complicated to realize. Saying it brought a final wave of sobs and Hide felt his own tears fall in sympathy, but it also lowered the constant built up tension in Kaneki’s body.

“I don’t want to die.” The truth Kaneki had denied himself for so long because he thought he didn’t deserve to have an opinion, finally out in the open. Like a spell, it brought the two boys closer and lightened the heavy atmosphere around them. Like the first rain drop after many days spent with a stormy sky, or the first apology in a long dispute, it was a long awaited release of tension.

“I know.” Hide replied. “I don’t want you to die either.” Kaneki’s shaking subsided and silent crying took over the violent sobs. He held onto Hide like a lifeline, seconds blending into minutes blending into hours until his tears were dry and his tea was cold. Only then did he peal himself away from the other and rubbed the last remnants of water from his eyes. He didn’t dare look at Hide right away, but when he did it was with a sincere look of thankfulness.

“Thank you.” Only those two words felt necessary and Hide accepted them for what they really were, feeling Kaneki’s relief Kaneki after admitting what he really felt. They sat there in silence for a little while longer then brought their cups back to the kitchen where the microwave clock indicated it was past 2am. Kaneki panicked and fumbled with his hands.

“Hide, I’m so sorry. Because of me you can’t go home right now. I’m so so sorry!”

“Relax, Kaneki. It’s okay. I can check in a nearby hotel or something, it’s no big deal. I wanted to stay here with you, it was my decision.”

“At least let me offer you to stay here instead of going to a hotel. I’d feel bad if something happened to you because you helped me. Please, Hide.” Kaneki was bowing nervously.

“Alright I can stay, just stand up. I feel bad. And it’s not your fault, this was my decision.” Kaneki looked relieved. He went off to gather some covers and a pillow for Hide.

“There isn’t another bed so you’ll have to sleep on the couch. Sorry.” Hide chuckled.

“Stop saying you’re sorry, this is perfect. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Kaneki made a bed on the couch and then stood awkwardly off the side, not knowing what to do. “Thanks for everything, Kaneki.”

“I should be thanking you, not the other way around.” There was a pause, a moment of mutual understanding. And then:

“Goodnight then, Kaneki. I hope you sleep well. Don’t hesitate to wake me up if you need or want anything.” Kaneki blushed, his cheeks still a bit red from crying.

“Okay, I will. Goodnight, Hide.”

With those words, Kaneki retired to his own room and Hide made himself comfortable on the couch. It was a bit small, but the linens smelled the same way Kaneki’s clothes did. A scent of lavender that never quite did disappear throughout the day. Soon enough he closed his eyes in this makeshift bed that smelled like Kaneki and began to dream.


	6. Chapter 5

A long rural road spread as far as the eye could see in a universe of calm white light. Hide began walking it and a wave of heat rushed through his chest. He continued and every few steps the feeling was different. At first warmth, cold, electric; then fear, anxiety, love; all evolving like a rondo. With it, little memories surfaced in his mind, getting more and more recent as he walked on. The road was sprinkled with beige pebbles, each a familiar yet unidentifiable shape.  Hide walked on, the end of the road out of sight. At some point, a figure joined him. It was a being made of the same familiarity as the pebbles but it was close to transparent. It marched next to him, its pace synchronized with Hide, although maybe a little lighter, a bit more hesitant. Hide urged to look at it, even take a slight glimpse, but it was like an invisible force was pinning his eyes solely on the road ahead and he could only catch its feet next to his, a mirror to his own motion.

It was because of this he realized he was as naked as the day he was born. He had never been very ashamed of his body but being so vulnerable next to an otherworldly form was unsettling to say the least. He tried to cover himself but stopped short in his movement, his eyes caught on a translucent extended hand next to him. He still couldn’t look at the mysterious figure but he decided to move his own hand toward the stranger’s. They clasped while their feet marched on. The light was turning dim and their footsteps glowed ever so slightly. A peace finally settled in Hide’s chest, replacing the flowing emotions.

And then the unthinkable happened: they stopped. The figure, now barely visible in the grey light, seemed stuck as if blocked by a wall. Hide tried looking at it again, and failing, took another step forward. The stranger didn’t budge. Hide took another step, stretching their hands to the limit, holding on for a reason he unconsciously knew. Their hands gripped with renewed strength and then fell apart. Still looking forward, Hide stopped in his tracks and tried to go back. The peace in his chest was gone and the maelstrom of emotions was back with renewed strength. But as he lifted his feet and tried to step back, he found it impossible to do so. He could only stay put or move forward. His hand felt cold from the lack of touch and the road ahead looked bleary from lack of companion. He felt a strong desire to go back and get his friend but he couldn’t. Their journey was over while his was still going on.

He lingered there a little, his body and mind getting used to loneliness again, but his heart felt empty, like its puzzle was missing an important piece. Then, he took a step forward, and another. He started walking again, began the cycle of emotions; and each step became easier even though the hole in his heart never grew smaller.

Hide woke up to the sun warming his face, with the overwhelming feeling of cold feet and a repressed need to pee. He took a moment to identify his surroundings and realized with a surprise paralleled with joy that he was sprawled over Kaneki’s small couch and the light that was bathing him was filtering through the half-opened blinds. He took a sitting position and tried to get accustomed to the brightness around him. His dream, though he could not remember the details of it, was still lingering on his mind, inducing a feeling of sadness he could not remedy. He raised a hand to his face to rub sleep gunk out of his eyes but stopped before completing the motion when he realized his cheeks were wet. He wiped them, still in a confused daze, and then rubbed his eyes like usual.

Suddenly, the realization of the past 12 hours hit him like a brick and he jumped. Now he could hear, if he strained a little, the soft sleeping sounds coming from Kaneki’s closed room. The cups of tea must still be on the kitchen counter and he could feel a phantom of the warmth of Kaneki’s body remaining from their hug yesterday. It felt like it had happened lightyears ago as well as the second before. His body was now fully awake and he used the available energy to go to the bathroom, empty his bladder and sort out his thoughts of how he should proceed for the rest of the morning. He didn’t even know what time it was, whether Kaneki would be looking for him when he woke, or if he should wake him up at all.

When he looked at the time, he saw it was already almost 10am. He had a shift starting at noon and he should probably go home to shower and change before it. He didn’t want to leave Kaneki all alone, especially after such a night, but he couldn’t exactly come late to work even with a good excuse. He opted to write a message to Kaneki and leave as quietly as possible. He got dressed in the living room, throwing furtive glances at Kaneki’s door to make sure he wasn’t walked in on. A few minutes later he was ready to leave, his hair a mess he hadn’t been able to rectify without taking a shower and his clothes and body slightly smelly. He found a legal pad and a pen near on a desk on the far end of the room and wrote his message to Kaneki on there. His chest tightened at the thought of leaving Kaneki alone, but he promised himself he would check back with him by text throughout the day and they could do something later if they had the time.

Still trying to ease his worries into oblivion, Hide gathered the last of his things, put on his shoes and left without a word, the door to Kaneki’s room still closed shut and his quiet breathing a whisper in the silence of the apartment. The road outside was an overwhelming ruckus, making Hide’s ears ring and giving him a slight headache. The sun was still shining brightly albeit not warmly overhead, and the world was in full motion, a sharp contrast to the still quiet inside. Hide walked to the station as he habituated to the environment, and then went home where he got ready for work.

He didn’t hear from Kaneki for another few hours until he checked his phone on a break.

**KEN: Hi! I saw your note when I woke up. I hope you made it to work on time! I slept so long; I didn’t even hear you leave this morning. Thank you for staying last night.**

**HIDE: No problem! I wasn’t going to leave a friend in need. I hope your dreams were nice at least if you slept so long!**

Soon after a reply came.

**KEN: I don’t think I dreamt much. I just remember waking up warm and cozy. It was really nice.**

**HIDE: I think the sun rises on the side of your apartment so it’s nice and warm in the morning. I woke up with the sun shining on my face!**

**KEN: I guess it’s one of its perks.**

Hide didn’t have anything to add to that and was being rushed by nurse Kaede to help with a patient. He wasn’t able to text Kaneki until his shift was over later that evening and by then he had received no more messages. He pondered for a second whether he should do something with Kaneki, but a yawn reminded him that a good night’s sleep in his own bed might be the better option right about now. He texted Kaneki he was going home and was looking forward to seeing him the next day, then headed back to his own place for some alone time.

The next day, he was only able to catch Kaneki as he was leaving. The nurses had kept him very occupied throughout the day, barely teasing him about Kaneki which he found strange but didn’t think much of. He finally made it to room 103 as Kaneki was packing and leant against the door frame with a smirk, waiting for the white haired boy to notice him. When he finally did, a few seconds later as he was standing up and heading for the door, Kaneki jumped and Hide’s smirk grew wider.

“Hey there, sleeping beauty. How has your day been so far? I’ve been super busy but at least the nurses don’t tease me anymore.”

“Hey, stalker. I’m doing fine, as you see. I guess it’s good the nurses stopped being so nosy.” Kaneki chuckled silently, his smile only half- truthful. It looked a bit sad and apologetic to Hide, but he didn’t focus on it and replied:

“Yeah, but it makes me think they either gave up or they’re preparing something much worse. You know, like the calm before the storm?” Kaneki’s smile dropped a bit, like ice cream melting in the sun.

“How bad can it really be? They’re your co-workers after all, in a way. They can’t have you fired.” Hide looked puzzled for a bit but then nodded, extending an arm out to Kaneki.

“Come on, I’ll walk you to the front door.” Kaneki didn’t reach back, instead wrapping his hand around his opposite arm while looking at the floor.

“Thanks, but I think I’ll go to the bathroom first. You should go on ahead with your work; you seem quite busy today anyway.” Hide felt his heart fold in on itself but ignored it, choosing instead to observe the smile on Kaneki’s face. It was back to its lying nature, fooling others into thinking he was okay when he truly wasn’t. He was about to ask him if anything was wrong when nurse Kaede came back into the room and asked him urgently to prep up room 204 for the next patient. He waved goodbye to Kaneki in a hurry and made a mental promise to check with him later on that day.

The rest of his day went by with rushing sloth, each thing seeming to last for hours but the chain of events going by as fast as lightning. The good thing was that his work didn’t really ask for his mental focus most of the time so Hide was free to think about what Kaneki’s smile might have meant. This wasn’t the only thing off that day; the nurses’ silence was also unusual and probably indicative of something. He tried to bring it up to nurse Kaede to which he was closest to but she didn’t grant him an answer and instead gave him more work to do.

Maybe Kaneki was not doing as well as he said, but apart from being tired a lot of the time he didn’t seem all that terrible. Sure he wasn’t frolicking around, smiling at everyone and running up and down stairs, but that had already been the case at the beginning of his illness. It bothered Hide not to be in the know, but it scared him more that Kaneki was unable to tell him directly or at least felt uneasy doing it. He picked apart his behavior of the last few days and couldn’t find a single fault with it and so he began to internalize all this lack of communication as a deep flaw. Once he started on the thought spiral he couldn’t stop himself, and Kaede was the one to slap him back into reality simply by letting him off work.

At home, he resumed his pondering and checked his phone every five seconds hoping Kaneki would be the first to contact him. He really thought they had made progress the other day; that they had become that much closer, but he must have been fooling himself because the lack of texts in his inbox proved the opposite.  He had fooled himself into thinking he could maybe tell Kaneki he loved him one day, but he could no longer see such a carefree future. He didn’t know what to do, what he had done wrong, or how to fix things. He didn’t even know for sure if there were things to fix.

After anxiously overthinking all of this on his couch, he finally decided to make himself some dinner and to talk to Kaneki tomorrow as if nothing had happened. But he couldn’t do that, after all they had agreed to stop pretending. Was Kaneki then still pretending for Hide’s sake? Had Kaneki made a step forward without Hide even though the blond haired boy thought they had been on the same level this whole time? Was this falling off the line he had been walking on felt like? Not like a jump, but a shove into the harsh reality that he had tried to hold on for too long. He had wanted to give himself a choice but all he had managed was to get himself thrown off balance and flung harshly on the ground.

That night he was barely able to sleep, not because he was still overthinking about what the weird day he had spent could have meant, but because he was afraid that he no longer had any choices about what the future held for him. He didn’t want to lose Kaneki, and while he knew they would probably remain friends, he wanted that title to mean something and not just a label for them to use when they spend time together, making the slow wait until Kaneki’s untimely end pass by faster the way Vladimir and Estragon did under the tree while waiting for Godot.

He woke up around 5am with a headache. His brain felt like he’d been solving a difficult problem all night, which along with the sleep deprivation induced restlessness put him in a sour mood. He took some painkillers and went out for a walk. The world was still in that pre-dawn softness, not exactly grey but more like the color had lost its saturation. Clouds had dusty pink and orange underbellies and the humid air was fresh. Hide walked along the main road, a few cars passing by with their headlights throwing unexpected shades on the buildings. He crossed one or two people, a couple more joggers, but mostly stray cats and dogs in dark alleyways rummaging through garbage cans. It was quiet, in a way that only a couple of sounds broke the heavy silence, but it felt peaceful.

Hide turned back after 20 minutes and bought some breakfast on the way. By then his headache was gone and his thoughts felt clearer and less like a puddle of mud. He could finally see that he was once again making a mountain out of a molehill as he often was with everything dealing with Kaneki. He managed to convince himself everything was fine and he was only overreacting. He just hoped Kaneki was alright and not lying to him. If that was the case, he didn’t want to know what he’d do or how he’d feel towards them both.

Morning flew by and by early afternoon Hide was back to his volunteer job at the hospital. The nurses behaved much the same way they had the other day so Hide assumed they had finally grown up and stopped teasing him about infantile things. The day went well, he almost didn’t trip on his shoes and he correctly followed directions for most of his shift. It was not too busy as well so he kept checking his phone for any message from Kaneki. None ever came and he mostly just got texts from his other university friends and one from his aunt asking if he wanted that old shirt he had forgotten at her place the previous summer.

As he got off from work he considered texting Kaneki but didn’t. Kaneki was the one to text him the next morning, waking him up as he had forgotten to turn his phone on silent mode.

**KEN: Hey, I moved my check up to the day after tomorrow so I could go to a book signing at the bookstore. Do you want to come with me?**

Hide felt his stress melt in an instant and a smile grew on his face. A text was all it took to make the worry he had been trying to suppress disappear. A single word from Kaneki, showing him everything was okay and that he was still in full control of the way he was walking on this tightrope. Hide replied immediately, smiling like a moron all the while.

**HIDE: Of course! What author?**

**KEN: Takatsuki Sen. She’s moderately well-known but I just love her works, although they’re not for everyone.**

**HIDE: I think I might have heard her name somewhere. I’ll buy your favorite book and get it signed!**

**KEN: My favorite one?**

**HIDE: Yeah, I want to start with the one you like the most because if you love it then it’s pretty good!**

**KEN: OK then. The event starts at 2pm tomorrow. Can you make it?**

**HIDE: Sure thing!**

**KEN: I’ll see you then!**

Hide’s spirits were lifted for the rest of the day. He felt a million miles from reality, like a bird that had taken flight. His steps were lighter and he smiled to everyone, confusing a few people who had grown accustomed to his grim face of the last two days. Everything felt possible once again and his heart was ready to burst from joy. He knew he was most likely exaggerating how great it was that things weren’t as bad as he had thought them, but it had always been in his nature to be overdramatic.

The next afternoon couldn’t come soon enough. Hide changed shirts about five times in the mirror before realizing he was going to be late and going with the red one he had on. It wasn’t that he was nervous about what clothes he wore but he always wanted to have the best outfit for the occasion, no matter how terrible that outfit looked. When he was outside he liked bright colors but if he was going to see a movie he wore dark colors. It was his way of changing his look depending on the situation, but he couldn’t decide for the life of him what mood was appropriate for a book signing. He had gone to the bookstore multiple times before and usually with the bright yellows and oranges he wore on his outings, but somehow those colors didn’t feel right for a book signing, especially with Kaneki.

But this was the least of his worries for now as he was running late due to his dilemma and was now racing for the train. Thankfully he caught one a second after entering the station and he thanked the book gods for making this miracle happen. He got there just after 2pm but the event hadn’t started. A line was already formed in front of the table installed for the signing, but Kaneki was nowhere to be seen. Hide texted him, telling him he was there and would hold a spot in line for him. He received no immediate reply but didn’t worry as Kaneki was never one to be always on his phone.

The author eventually made it and the event began. The line slowly diminished and Hide kept checking his phone with more and more panic. Kaneki still hadn’t answered and Hide would be in front of the line in five people. He told himself that if Kaneki was still absent when his turn came he would just buy two copies of the author’s most recent work which were stacked on the table and get those signed. He would prefer if Kaneki made it in time but since the line behind him was still growing he would still have that happen rather than risk not getting a signature at all.

When his turn came he asked for two books and got one signed for him and the other for Kaneki, explaining that Kaneki was a big fan of the author’s work but was running late. She was an impish young woman with eyes full of maturity and wonder, eyes that shone upon looking at the world, a little like Kaneki’s did. Hide understood why she would be a favorite author of his just like that, because maybe they understood things the same way, in a manner very few people did. People had various outlooks on life but sometimes there was a rare moment where two persons who viewed the world through similar lenses met or encountered each other in a way or other, in that instant a spark united them forever and linked their lives. Hide suspected that had happened when Kaneki had read one of Takatsuki’s books, like a revelation. When Takatsuki looked at him again and handed the books back with a smile, he found himself jolting back due to the resemblance of her gaze to Kaneki’s.

He regained his senses and, books safely in hand, he walked to the checkout. His heart was still beating fast and hammering in his chest while his mind ran into overdrive with worry. He took advantage of the line to text Kaneki again, but he made it to the cashier’s desk without a reply. When he was done with his purchase and had nothing to occupy his thoughts but Kaneki’s absence, he fast walked out of the store and onto the street to call him.

No answer. This was unusual; though it could be possible Kaneki was sleeping. At least his phone wasn’t dead because it had ringed fully before going to voicemail. So Kaneki was either occupied or ignoring him. It was now past 3pm and Hide was filling with worry. His guts had knotted themselves together and his throat had tightened, like it was keep his heart in check, preventing it from spilling out. He texted Kaneki again, telling him he had gotten the books and that he would be heading to his place to see what was up. He tried calling again but got to voicemail. He could only hope Kaneki was home. He attempted to move, but felt the world shift like a ship on a turbulent sea.

He couldn’t move for a few seconds, his heart beating against his ribcage the only sound occupying his ears as he realized the idea he had been trying to suppress: Kaneki could be ignoring him, or be busy, but he could also very well be very sick or have fainted or even….

He barricaded his thoughts before they invaded his conscious mind. Shaking his head and clenching his fists he focused on the first step forward. As soon as his foot hit the pavement again the confusion and panic he had felt moments ago were gone and replaced with deadly fixation on his target. He moved like a businessman going to a meeting, like a soldier going to war. His gaze was down, his feet that seconds ago were stuck now moving as fast as possible in a direction he could only hope was the right one. His storm of thoughts was replaced by a single one that drove his entire being: I must get to Kaneki. His whole existence in that moment was that goal and no worry or other thought crossed the barrier imposed by it. It felt soothing after panicking so much but his body was also extremely tense, taut to its limits so much a single wrong move could break it.

He called Kaneki again but received no answer. He didn’t leave time for his emotions to catch up and called him again. He only stopped his relentless attacks when he arrived at the station and got the first train that would get him to his destination. The wait felt like an eternity as well as a flash, a long wait for the correct stop on the train, but a very small memory once he got off and rushed to the exit. He was thankful for having made the trip multiple times before and knowing the environment as well as he did. He didn’t call Kaneki again but checked his phone only to see the empty lock screen.

He made it minutes later, his breathing fast and his body covered in sweat. He stayed put some seconds to gather his thoughts and prepare himself for what could lay beyond and then he knocked on the door. The sound could be heard resonating inside and was like a bang in the silent neighborhood. A minute passed and the door remained closed. The thoughts Hide had managed to suppress rushed back, fighting against the flimsy barrier he tried to hold on to as badly as he could. He almost convinced himself that Kaneki was probably out somewhere but wasn’t looking at his phone, when a faint sound came from inside.

 A toilet flushing.

Hide banged against the door again, yelling this time. “Kaneki, open up, it’s me! Hide! Open up, I know you’re in there!” He didn’t care how many eyes his loud tantrum brought to him, he just wanted to see Kaneki, to make sure he was okay, that he was alive. He had to be, he had flushed the toilet. “Kaneki, I brought the books!” His banging was so loud he almost didn’t hear the hesitant footsteps behind the door but he managed to stop just in time for Kaneki to open the door and look at Hide with begging eyes.

“Please stop. I didn’t want you to come. Just go away. Give me the book and go, Hide. I shouldn’t have-“

“You’re not getting rid of me so easily.” Hide pushed the door open enough to slip through and closed it behind him. The lights weren’t on, but in the darkness he could still see Kaneki’s hollow face, paler than he had ever seen it and with such bags under his eyes he already looked like a corpse. He hit the lights but the sight didn’t get any prettier. He held back his tears and his urge to hug Kaneki right there and then and waited for the other to say something, anything.

“Hide.” A small voice, barely above a whisper, with such remorse and sadness Hide could feel it right in his heart.

“Kaneki.” A reply, said a bit louder, affirmative, relieved, like a mother finding her lost child after searching for it relentlessly. Hide opened his mouth again to say more, but Kaneki left, his feet carrying him as fast as they could to the bathroom. He followed him there after taking off his shoes and stopped suddenly in the doorway.

The stench was a dead giveaway but the rest of the décor was every bit as disturbing. Kaneki was kneeling next to the toilet bowl, his face even whiter under the harsh lights, rolls of toilet paper and small towels spread across the floor. Kaneki didn’t look up to Hide, he didn’t talk but the stains on the porcelain were telltale signs of what had happened and was still happening here.

“You’re sick.” Hide’s voice hitched and he cleared his throat before continuing. “You’re sick, and you want me to leave you alone? You didn’t tell me, answered none of my calls, didn’t text me; and now you’re telling me to fuck off even though you’re sick?” Hide failed to restrain his emotions as much as he wanted and tears formed in his eyes as his voice took a sadder note rather than a reprimanding one. “I can’t help you if you push me away.” Kaneki stayed silent, gaze stuck to the towels on the ground.

“I didn’t want you to see me like this. I thought-“ A sob. “I thought I could keep seeing you only when I was okay. I didn’t want to associate you with this.” Kaneki finally looked up to Hide, tears rolling down his face. Hide’s heart broke, shattered into millions of pieces each of them filled with the sadness Kaneki emanated like an aura. He fell more than crouched down and hugged Kaneki without giving it a second thought.

“That’s fucked up.” He chuckled. “You’re sick whether we like it or not, and ignoring it is never going to be any good. I thought we had finally figured this out.” Kaneki shook against his chest, his arms lowered limply along his side.

“I guess you’re right. It was a silly thought.”

They remained that way, Hide holding Kaneki as close and as tight as he could, wishing he could take all of Kaneki’s burdens for him, wishing they didn’t have to deal with this fucked up situation any longer, wishing they could have some peace.

Then Kaneki lurched out of the hug and puked in the toilet bowl.

Hide helped him clean himself once he was done and half carried him back to the living room. He settled him down on the couch, making sure he was comfortable. Kaneki was lifeless, his expression as emotionless as Hide had seen it, his gaze always down. Hide cleaned the toilet and closed the bathroom, trying to create a safe environment away from the sickness Kaneki had been stuck in since he didn’t know when, wanting his friend to feel better but also hesitating to overstep some boundaries he was afraid to cross.

“Hide.” Kaneki’s voice made him stop in his movements. “Why didn’t you leave? I asked you to, and you didn’t. Why?” Kaneki’s face lifted from the ground and settled with sadness on Hide’s restless eyes.

“I couldn’t simply let a friend in need alone.” Hide said matter-of-factly, like it was the most evident thing in the world. He continued his ballet of cleaning, feeling a bit like a mother taking care of a child. He came back to sit next to Kaneki a bit later, put down two cups of water in front of them, and found Kaneki staring intently at him.

“Thank you.” Kaneki managed a small smile before looking back at the ground. Hide chose to remain silent and give Kaneki a chance to express himself. The silence that followed hung heavily between them, like wafting through a strong current.

“It started this morning.” Kaneki eventually said, still staring at the ground while Hide focused his gaze somewhere else to allow him more freedom. “I woke up and went straight to the bathroom. I vomited for so long I don’t remember what time it was or if I did anything else. I remember passing out and then waking up again to vomit. I heard my phone go off from my room but I was too weak to reach it, and when I remembered our plans and realized you could be the one calling I didn’t want to answer anyway. I didn’t want you to come and see how miserable I really was. I wished you’d stay away, but you didn’t.”

Kaneki looked up to him and Hide smiled gently, happy to meet Kaneki’s eyes directly for the first time that day and not see only desperation and sadness in them.

“You came anyway and you helped me even though I was a worthless lump of flesh on the floor. I- I thank you. I can’t do much else.”

Hide tentatively grabbed Kaneki’s hand in his, the other jumping a little but giving it anyway.

“I couldn’t possibly let you alone. Back at the bookstore, when I realized you weren’t answering I panicked. I ran here as fast as I could but I couldn’t stop worrying. I’m so glad you’re okay Kaneki.” Kaneki chuckled dryly and Hide added, “well more okay than I feared you might be.” He smiled warmly, searching Kaneki’s face for signs of un-wellness. “After last time, I thought we had agreed on being honest to each other about this situation. I know we’ve been ignoring it all this time, but we can’t anymore. You’re sick, very sick and eventually you’ll have to go away for good.” Hide swallowed his tears away, feeling his heart swell in his chest. “We can’t ignore that, especially after today. I don’t want to make your health worse by doing things that will damage it. I only want to make you feel better, to make happy memories with you for as long as we can without a detriment to your health. Kaneki, can we at least agree to that?”

“Okay. I was selfish. I’m sorry I tried to make it seem like I was doing better. Lying to you was every bit as painful as the sickness was, if not more. I- I’ll try not to lie to you anymore.” Hide chuckled, the nervousness of the situation getting to him.

“Well trying is better than lying all the time I guess. Though you might want to aim for always telling me the truth.”

“Always?”

“That’s right! Friends tell each other the truth, and I don’t want you to lie to me just to make me think you’re doing fine when you’re not. Honesty is the best policy!” Kaneki chuckled a bit too, his face lighting up and the gloom fading away.

And then, for the first time in a while, since Kaneki had cried all the tears in his body in Hide’s arms to be precise, everything felt perfectly right again. The clouds with their menacing grey heaviness were gone and the sun shone through once again. Peace spread through the air, chasing away the doubts and hesitations; the atmosphere felt light, freed from the weight of secrets and longtime held silences. In this little paradise, as Hide’s body regained its calm, Kaneki was the first to speak, a little grey cloud still remaining above his head.

“If we’re telling the truth then, I think there’s something I should tell you. I don’t know how you’ll react, or even if you’ll still want to be friends with me after this, but if we’re going to be honest about my illness I need to be honest about this as well.” Kaneki took a slow breath, taking his hand back from Hide’s, leaving a phantom void where it once was. “I recently realized that my feelings for you were getting a little- well it was like-“Kaneki paused, sighed then continued. “I like you. Romantically.” Hide’s heart and breathing stopped, the world slowed down until a second later it all started back up again and everything came back with twice as much color. Kaneki liked him! His stomach did a summersault and his whole body felt like it was having a little party inside.

It took him a few seconds to realize Kaneki was looking not at him but next to him, a bit scared, a bit anxious, but mostly just relieved this was finally off his chest. Hide regained control of his emotions and gave Kaneki the answer he was probably not expecting.

“I like you too; I’ve liked you from pretty much the beginning.” The blush on Kaneki’s cheeks mirrored his, and he couldn’t stop himself from smiling like an idiot. “I can never hate you, Kaneki.”

Kaneki looked up to him, tears welling up in his questioning eyes. Hide simply nodded and Kaneki’s tears came rolling down as he smiled back. Hide brought up a hand to brush them off before freezing as he realized what he was doing. He didn’t know what to do, how to behave. Kaneki must have felt his hesitation because he just leaned in and wrapped his arms around Hide’s chest. Hide hugged him back, his heart going a mile a minute being so close to Kaneki.

When they separated, Kaneki had stopped crying but they were both still smiling.

“I can’t believe we’re both idiots.” Hide said, chuckling and wiping his remnants of tears.

“Yeah.” They sat there, occasionally laughing, smiling at each other and blushing like they’ve never before for a long time; getting used to the reciprocity of their feelings. If the room had been sunnier before it was now the brightest summer’s day, those where the blue expanse of the sky was not stained by a single cloud.

After a while, since Kaneki was feeling a bit better and hadn’t rushed to the bathroom in the last hour, Hide proposed he sleep while Hide stayed. Kaneki agreed on one condition: that he slept on the couch with Hide nearby. After much debating, Hide grabbed the Takatsuki book he had bought that day, complaining that since Kaneki hadn’t been there he couldn’t get his favorite one and began reading it on one side of the couch while Kaneki slept with his head on Hide’s lap that after much debating and blushing on both ends, they both agreed wouldn’t bother them. A few minutes after settling down, Hide heard the faint breaths coming from Kaneki deepen, letting him know he had fallen asleep. His heart was still doing a little dance inside his ribcage as he tried to focus on the book.

He eventually gave up and woke up hours later with the sun already low in the sky and Kaneki still sleeping soundly in his lap. He smiled a little, feeling at peace, and went back to reading once again. For a long time his friendship with Kaneki had felt like home, like a warm cup of cocoa after coming out of the rain, or an ice cream in the middle of a hot summer’s day; and he has feared his romantic feelings might destroy this safe haven but instead they had reinforced it, the home he had feared to destroy was now stronger than ever.

 


	7. Chapter 6

 

Telling Kaneki his true feelings had lifted a weight he didn’t know he’d had off Hide’s chest. He had been suppressing it for so long letting go was freeing in a way he had not anticipated. It was like the emotions he had tightly held on to were now spreading out from his heart outward, like a spring of water sprouting anew. The flow was endless and he could lose himself in it at times, a feeling he had been so scared of before but now reveled in. His love for Kaneki was like a soft warm bed he could finally let himself fall deep into instead of holding it at a distance, a cloud of comfort.

The afternoon after Kaneki’s sickness was spent lazing around, Hide managing to get through a few pages of Takatsuki’s book and Kaneki sleeping through most of it. He finally woke up around sunset, his white hair a feathery mess, the soft locks intertwined lovingly. Hide had gotten a wink of sleep himself but not quite as much, and he found his stomach screaming hungrily as he woke. After Kaneki shook off the remnants of sleep, they ate some soup and then Hide left. Everything felt similar to how things had always been, but also different. Hide would not observe anything out of the ordinary, but then the mere thought that Kaneki liked him crossed his mind and he blushed as he enjoyed the feeling of it.

There were also a lot more awkward glances and touches than before that none knew what to do with apart from standing still hoping the atmosphere would return to normal.

That night his thoughts ran free as he thought of Kaneki and what this new step in their friendship, or relationship now maybe, would bring for them. He did not fear it being something bad since they had both grown recently to admit that ignoring the reality would bring them nowhere. He could only hope it would be something amazing, transcending; an experience that would enrich their lives so much he could never forget it in a million years. He wanted to cherish it as much as he cherished Kaneki, giving little room for the small voice of reason in his head telling him it was a risk to love something you know you will lose. He didn’t care how much it would hurt once Kaneki was gone, he wanted to love him in this moment and enjoy this time as much as they now could and come what may he would do anything in his power to never regret it.

They had jumped from the tightrope they’d been walking on, Hide fearing for so long he would fall on the wrong side, knowing now that jumping together was the best solution. They had leaped in faith, choosing to trust each other more than the fear of the pain that could result. Facing this obstacle together head on, relying on each other like he’d always hoped they would. They survived one hardship, but soon Hide would encounter another alone, and thinking about it was the last thing he wanted to do.

Thankfully the powerful feelings he had for Kaneki were all-encompassing and he spent most of his time in the next few days savoring it. The nurses at the hospital started teasing him again as he was often lost in thought, a dazed smile permanently on his face. It was like walking on a cloud, wafting through the world like a breeze. He saw Kaneki the next day on his visit, but could not remember most of what they talked about only how comforting it was to see Kaneki’s sincere smile back and solely on him, how they blushed in turn and giggled like adolescent girls. Like a delicacy they shared only with each other, the whole world fading from their little bubble of happiness and love. Nothing in their relationship changed much, but everything was associated with the knowledge of the other’s feelings which added another layer on all their interactions.

When Kaneki came back the week after, he stayed longer and Hide gave the nurses the slip to talk to him as much as he could. However, their little clandestine meeting was abruptly ended by the doctor coming in and dealing them news Kaneki had anticipated but that shook Hide awake more than he would have liked.

Kaneki couldn’t live on his own anymore, it was dangerous to let him do so. Therefore, he would be moved full time to the hospital for an indeterminate amount of time.

As the doctor left, Kaneki explained to Hide that they had been talking about this for a while and that was the reason everyone had been acting a bit off around Hide. It felt like a bomb exploding, like a bubble being poked violently in front of his eyes; but Hide accepted it and decided not to resent Kaneki for not telling him. After all, their vow to tell each other the truth had been recent and this was something he should have seen coming. And in the end, wasn’t it better to have Kaneki closer to him so he would be less worried?

While the sticky situation didn’t sit entirely well with Hide, he didn’t fight it and tolerated it for Kaneki’s sake, since it wasn’t his fault Hide had been kept in the dark. It was inevitable, and another thing he had not foreseen dealing with. The move was scheduled a week later and Hide offered his help settling Kaneki in. He could tell from Kaneki’s sad smile after the doctor took his leave that this didn’t sit well with him either but that he was going to put up with it too because he had too. And so, to distract them from this slightly morbid turn of events, Hide spent the rest of Kaneki’s visit telling silly jokes and ridiculing himself by acting out weird scenes. They both had a good laugh and were able to put this new information to the back of their minds, to be recycled later when the time came.

In the days that followed, Hide helped Kaneki by giving him moral support and advice, as well as packing alongside him. As he was visibly getting weaker, Hide did most of the heaving lifting; but it largely consisted of putting Kaneki’s apartment in order and grabbing a few change of clothes and a huge box of books. They spent hours together, Kaneki giving orders and Hide following them, cleaning this and that, carrying some other things and asking what that object was. The more he helped, the more he learned about Kaneki’s life, in little snippets of storytelling. This postcard was from his aunt to his mother, that notebook was the first he had written stories in though he liked none of them, this stamp from his father’s collection, and that torn up teddy bear from his cousin. All those tiny things littered his life and pieced together formed the bigger picture that was Kaneki, tiny hints and clues people generally overlooked but that Hide got a thorough look at. It was like rediscovering Kaneki all over again, falling for him all over again. All reminded him how kind, smart, funny, generous, beautiful, and happy Kaneki was; all reminded him of the people that had already left this world, left Kaneki alone in it, all for Kaneki to leave Hide alone again. Because no matter how overlooked those little trinkets were during a person’s life, once dead they were what remained and carried the weight of who that person had been.

Those long hours were filled with laughter, jokes and laughs to keep the sadness away, because it was always easier to joke about how discolored an old toy was than to think about how young Kaneki was and how much more he would fail to live. Instead the time was paced by the finding of lost receipts, pens, and pages; each discovery a reason to rejoice. They separated everything in boxes and by the end of the week Hide was finally done. Kaneki was going to be hospitalized in two days and they were ready.

To celebrate, Hide proposed to go to Big Girl one last time. Kaneki immediately accepted and was full of glee the whole meal. Not once did any of them cry, at least not in front of the other. It was like a dream, everything so similar with a slight difference that made it all seem a little off somehow. Like the world was tilted and they were still standing straight. They gave some of Kaneki’s things to charities; most of them books which Kaneki had read so many times the pages were torn, dog-eared, or even covered in food stains; some old toys and notebooks that were still empty. The exchange was somber, the ladies receiving the boxes keeping a polite smile, though apologies hid in them as well as they did in Kaneki’s.

And so, they reached the fateful day. Hide was there to accompany Kaneki with his few belongings, the rest in his apartment with the doomed hope that they would serve if Kaneki should come back. It was a petty wish to want Kaneki to come back out of his stay alive. He had been sick for years and there was now very little doctors could do apart from easing the pain. They moved it all to his new room, not the loved 103 anymore but 206 which was bigger and had a prepared bed with full bedding this time as well as a table and a visiting chair. A real hospital room, not one of those almost empty ones used on a daily basis.

One that was accompanied by an “extended stay” sign on the door and a small little bathroom adjoined. 

Kaneki put down his things and looked around while Hide excused himself for a second to get the welcome gift he had grabbed this morning. He ran to his locker and took out the cumbersome present, then ran back to the room, almost losing his way by going to 103 by habit. When he was back, Kaneki was looking out the window, holding the curtains like a lifeline to reality. Hide swallowed the lump in his throat and knocked gently, startling Kaneki.

“Oh hey, you’re back.”

“And I got your gift.” Hide advanced, the bulky object hidden clumsily behind his back. When he reached Kaneki by the window, he took it out with a huge gesture and a loud “tada!” Kaneki’s eyes blew open and alternated between looking at Hide and the sunflowers in his hand.

“They’re really pretty! Thank you, Hide.”

“You’re welcome. I thought they kind of looked like my hair so they would be a way for you to think of me when I’m not around.” Hide blushed and nervously looked at his shoes. Kaneki wrapped his hand over Hide’s on the bouquet and stepped forward. Hide looked up just in time to see Kaneki’s lips land on his and Kaneki’s eyes fall shut. Hide’s insides erupted into chaos as he closed his eyes as well and Kaneki kissed him so softly his insides then melted before doing jumping jacks. It was like a breath of fresh air, or a vacuum sucking in everything around them. All he knew was how much he didn’t want this feeling to end, so Hide’s free hand reached Kaneki’s side, like it wanted to verify this was real.

And then, after what felt like a million years but couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, Kaneki pulled away. They stood there with their eyes closed for a few seconds more. Hide was the first to open them again, and the first thing he became aware of was the warmth coming from Kaneki’s hand still overlapping his. He smiled, giddy with happiness. Kaneki finally looked back at him and smiled back.

“And this is my gift to you so you don’t forget me when I’m not around.” The double entendre of those words didn’t escape them but they continued to smile like idiots at each other, and eventually burst into laughter.

They were forced to stop a little later as a nurse told Hide he should let Kaneki settle in. Hide kissed him this time, a chaste peck on the lips, and left without a word. As soon as he closed the door behind him, reading the new panel that displayed Kaneki’s name, Hide felt his knees give in and he crumpled to the ground. Without warning tears started flowing from his eyes, hiccups began shaking him and a single thought occupied his mind: this was it; this was the end for him. The strength he had held on to for the last few days was finally drained and all that was left was the sadness he carried, the harsh truth that he would lose the person he loved the most in this world.

He sobbed loudly, hiding his face in his knees and arms, tears rolling down his cheeks and wetting every surface available, mixing with snot as he sniffled violently a few times though it solved nothing. His throat hurt, his ears hurt, his heart felt like it would implode and then explode, shrinking and expanding like an elastic just before it burst and broke. His whole body was numb and hot, and no matter how much he berated himself for being so loud and open he could not stop the torrent of emotions and gross human fluids that erupted from him.

Finally, when he had nothing left to cry, nothing left to wail, he stopped. He felt exhausted, his body worn and the fatigue weighing him down like a dark cloud. He managed to rise and get himself to the bathroom fast enough for the door that had been behind him not to open, and he had just enough strength left to wonder if Kaneki had been crying at all, or if he no longer felt the pain of his imminent death so strongly. They had both managed to be strong during all this time, but if this sole moment had been enough to break him open, then he wondered what it could take for Kaneki. He had to be a strong rock for him and support him through this, and here he was balling his eyes out like a child. He sniffled as he washed his face and tried to regain a semblance of normalcy, at least enough to go back outside and continue doing his job.

After a few minutes he was able to move on and proceed with his day, visiting Kaneki once more at the end of it and staying until the end of visiting hours discussing books and reading side by side. Kaneki had given him his favorite Takatsuki book as Hide had already finished the one he had bought. It was peaceful, the silence he shared with Kaneki as they read on their own, and it could have been entirely happy if it weren’t for the setting they were in. When the nurse told them Hide had to leave, they said their goodbyes, kissed like they were already an old couple, Hide bopping Kaneki on the nose affectively, and then leaving like a ghost through the hospital.

He visited the next day, and the day after that. On days where he worked he would go to Kaneki’s room before and after his shift, and on days where he didn’t he liked to spend as much of it as possible with Kaneki, although he made sure not to be overbearing as suffocating him would amount to nothing. They mostly talked about this and that, read books together, or played board games or cards. Hide brought new books when Kaneki was bored, or even when he didn’t. The first few days were awkward as Hide tried to act like he always did and soon found himself out of resources fast. There wasn’t much to do in a hospital room, and Kaneki wasn’t exactly bothered by doctors and nurses day in and day out.

The first few days passed too quickly to their liking, like they were wasting time, like there was always something better to do but they couldn’t figure out what it was for the life of them. Long awkward silences would fill their ears and hang heavily around. Those days felt like a second, ripped from them before they could do anything about it.

And then Hide’s school work picked up, he found less time to hang out with Kaneki, but each of those precious moments became something bigger than the two of them. That was when they found their balance, the equilibrium between their lives. The romance between them also bloomed then, as more time spent apart meant hurried, needful kisses, biting lips and hickeys just barely below the neckline. Long breathless embraces where the only air was the one they shared, like a drug they could only find in each other. Words became superfluous, and shared silences the necessity. Their world was painted by the things they gave each other: smiles, kisses, books, jokes, gossip, worries, heartaches, pain, and love. The relentless march of time slowed to an approachable pace and they could finally enjoy the bliss they brought each other without a care in the world but the inevitable end to it.


	8. Chapter 7

A week had passed. Hide was studying for his exams with the energy of the procrastinating student, cramming every ounce of knowledge into interminable study sessions just so he could have passing grades. Kaneki had offered his help with literature and so there he was reviewing authors and novels, his tired brain not retaining much of it despite the amount of coffee he was ingesting. Kaneki was trying desperately to teach him the bare minimum about a specific style of writing, but Hide became lost in the amusing way Kaneki’s growing hair has begun to curl in his nape. His overly worked eyes had begun staring there and he was no longer listening to a word Kaneki was saying.

“So do you get it?” Silence. “Hide?”

“Yes?” Hide jerked awake, his focus going back to Kaneki’s questioning eyes. “Sorry, I’m afraid I wasn’t listening.”

“Since when?”

“I don’t know, I guess I got the beginning but then your hair caught my attention and I lost track.”

“My hair?” Kaneki blushed, grabbing a few strands of his white threads between his fingers.

“Yeah, it’s getting quite long now and the back of it is curling in your nape. It’s nice, it looks soft.” Kaneki’s cheeks reddened and Hide felt his face burn as well. With courage only given to him by the lack of sleep, he added “I’d prefer pulling my fingers through it rather than listen to you lovingly babble about literature.” Kaneki’s face was now pretty much just a tomato, and Hide didn’t hesitate in standing up and doing just what he had teased.

The hair was as soft as it looked, its strands coming apart in Hide’s hand. Kaneki closed his eyes and Hide admired the adorable sight for a moment before lowering his face to steal a kiss from his parted lips. He could never get enough of those lips, as pink and soft as a rose petal, and as merciless and determined as an assassin. Kaneki melted into the kiss and moaned as Hide pulled his hair again, a bit harder this time. Kaneki’s hands were on his body in seconds, one hand on his side, thumb rubbing at the hem of Hide’s shirt, and the other on his face, cradling it and playing with his ear.

Hide pulled away slowly, his lips lingering on Kaneki’s, and kept his eyes closed for a moment longer.

“Yep, it’s as soft and fluffy as it looks.” Kaneki giggled, his hands retracting back to Hide’s own. They stood there in silence, hands locked in midair and eyes partially open, for as long as they could. The world slowed down and the air felt like spring.

“We should probably go back to studying; you wouldn’t want to fail your exam because of me?” Hide chuckled and agreed; going back to the chair next to the bed and picking his notebooks back up.

It was a few days later that Hide got his results and came rushing in Kaneki’s door yelling he would be able to graduate. Kaneki had been reading near the window and looked up to find Hide sweating and swearing in the doorway. The gaze itself made Hide stop short, as it was like the rising sun, Kaneki’s smile growing second by second as bright as he had ever seen it. He felt tears begin to well but he pushed them down and ran to Kaneki’s side to share the details. They talked and laughed for hours after that, so much so that they forgot to eat and when the nurse finally interrupted them at midnight they both felt like time had once again played a trick on them.

Hide came back the day after that with burgers from Big Girl which the nurses had authorized. They ate on the roof while looking at the sunset.

“Do you ever think that your sunset is some else’s sunrise?” Kaneki said.

“Not really. I know it’s true, but that’s not the first thing that comes to mind when I see a sunset.”

“What is the first thing that comes to mind then?” Hide thought about it for a moment, then replied:

“I guess it would be how it’s possible for every sunset to be slightly different even though it’s the same thing happening every time. But mostly I don’t watch the sunset very often because they’re pretty similar anyway.”

“Maybe so, but I still enjoy them. It’s like the world is going to sleep, its eyelids closing slowly and capturing the rest of the universe in a variants of reds and yellows before fading to black. Sunsets are different in the city, but if you ever get to see them in the country it’s a totally different ordeal. The colors seem more vibrant against the faded greenness of it all, and it gets so calm and soothing it used to make me think of a mother singing a lullaby. For me a sunset is like mother earth closing her eyes and singing her children a lullaby.”

Two days after that conversation, when Hide came to visit Kaneki after class, he interrupted the doctor’s checkup. It was normal for the doctor to see Kaneki every once in a while and he didn’t get worried. It was more of a formality than anything else. They played cards after the doctor left, and nurse Kaede even joined them at some point. Kaneki coughed a bit, and Hide joked he shouldn’t get his germs on his playing cards. They watched the sunset from the room this time and Hide mentioned mother earth singing her children to sleep which made Kaneki smile at him with gratitude, a few tears glistening in his eyes but not spilling over. He kissed him goodbye as visiting hours ended and went home.

As Kaneki progressively grew worst, Hide spent more and more time at his side. The coughing had subsided but he now became tired more easily and could sleep half the day away if he felt like it. Visiting him was always a moment to rejoice, sometimes a moment to shed some tears, but mostly a moment to say how much they loved each other and kiss. Their late blooming romance was indeed stalled by the fact that Kaneki couldn’t go outside anymore, but Hide still tried his hardest to find ways for it to blossom.

One day he brought flowers that Kaneki kept for two weeks after that, even after they had withered. Another day he took multiple pictures of them with a polaroid and together they decorated the hospital room with silly pictures of themselves, a few carefully hidden ones of them kissing, and one that Hide chose to keep for himself that showed Kaneki smiling involuntarily at the window and the world outside. The nurse that came to bring Kaneki his dinner that evening called the rest of the staff and the ones that showed up admired the many poses the lovers had taken, and obviously teased them as much as possible.

Somedays they kissed like they would die if they didn’t, on other occasions they cuddled lazily in Kaneki’s bed while hoping a nurse wouldn’t barge in. Those moments were the closest they got to any intimacy as they had agreed having sex in a hospital would be neither an easy nor a wise choice; and they were both content with simply enjoying each other’s presence. Which didn’t mean they didn’t end up with boners by kissing a bit too daringly, or that they didn’t restrain themselves multiple times. But overall they managed to make it work, giving more importance to the time spent together rather than feeling each other’s skin.

Hide still enjoyed cuddling very much because he was simply in love with the concept of being so close to Kaneki, feeling his warmth, smelling him and hearing his heartbeat when he put his head on his chest. It was in those moments that a sense of complete peacefulness overwhelmed him and he could honestly admit he regretted nothing. Forgetting himself in the hearth of Kaneki’s embrace, he could stay there forever and believe the worst would not come.

But it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows; they had bad days like anybody. Days where Hide would get mad at Kaneki for not being mad or sad enough about dying, days where Kaneki would be totally passive and feel like a shadow, days where Hide smiled too much and they burst out in fights about how hypocritical it was of him to ignore reality. Some fights they solved in tears, some with nurses rushing in and urging them to calm down, some they never really got over but didn’t come back to because none of them wanted to lose what they had, none of them wanted this to be the last thing they talked about. Even a small grudge was better than not being able to be together.

A month after being hospitalized, Kaneki got worse to the point where Hide spent more time in the hospital than out of it, supporting him and trying to get him through the day even if he slept during most of it. He did his homework there, ate his meals and even slept some nights. The nurses urged him to go home at least during the night but he wouldn’t. If these were Kaneki’s last few days he wanted to be there, he needed to be there for the end.

He maintained this rhythm for five days and woke up the morning of the fifth to Kaneki crying. He felt at loss for words, and all he could think of doing was hugging him as tight as he could. Tears stained his shirt and Kaneki’s shaking body felt more like a porcelain doll than a real human being. Hide could feel the tears welling up in his own eyes but maintained them at bay as well as he could. He didn’t ask why Kaneki was crying, he was just there for him.

Then the crying was over, Kaneki sniffling the last of the tears away but still lying motionless in Hide’s arms, their warmth spreading to the other. Hide could feel the swell of emotions in his chest but there were too many to name, and all he ended up doing was crying as well. Contained tears, soundless, motionless, but their wetness still landed on Kaneki’s shoulder and he jerked up slightly. They exchanged looks, Hide trying to smile through the tears, Kaneki on the verge of crying as well. So Kaneki leaned forward and took Hide into his chest this time and held him there. The sky was still grey and the walls barely illuminated. The room bathed in pre-dawn light felt in accordance to their emotions, this state where you feel so much you end up not feeling anything but the frustration resulting from all these emotions. The hesitation between feeling too much and too little, not sure whether their emotions were justified, not sure whether to cry them out or yell.

Hide stopped crying but stayed in Kaneki’s arms, like a child holding on to his mother after being scared and comforted. He slipped in the bed next to Kaneki after his back reminded him of his painful position, and they lied facing each other in a tender embrace. They didn’t dare ask why the other was crying, mostly because they sort of knew, but also because it didn’t matter. They were together and knew they would comfort each other and that was all there was of importance.

Hide was awakened hours later by the nurses telling him Kaneki had to see the doctor for a bit, and reiterating their advice for him to go and get changed. This time, hoping Kaneki would be alright, Hide did just that and came back after going to his classes for the first time in a while. The teachers reproached him his lengthy absence and even though he could have explained the situation he didn’t feel the need to as this life already felt like a dream to him, something he just experienced and didn’t really have a say in the matter of events. He knew he was losing touch with his reality and falling into Kaneki’s, but at this moment he believed it was the right thing to do. He had to be there for Kaneki no matter what and he didn’t want to be distracted by his own life worries. He had acknowledged this would come to bite him in the ass in the end, but he truly didn’t care. He would deal with it then, once it became his priority. But for now, Kaneki was his priority.

Kaneki got better a few days later, and his status was no longer critical. Hide took some time to go back to his classes and pay more attention to himself, not only because he felt like a homeless person with his unwashed clothes and unclean breath, but mostly because the first thing Kaneki said to him once he got better was that he didn’t want to see Hide become a shadow of himself just because Kaneki was doing just that. Hide had retained the tears and gone home to take a lengthy bath. He had known for a long time he was not dealing with the situation in the best way possible, but it wasn’t like someone was handing out flyers on how to deal with the person you loved most dying.

A week later, Kaneki’s symptoms resurfaced worse than before. The break they had just enjoyed had been the calm before the storm and while Hide still maintained a healthy lifestyle out of the hospital he couldn’t help but think that this was it. Kaneki slipped in and out of consciousness, in and out came the nurses and doctors throughout the day and night, in and out came his breathing that still remained for now. In the moments he was awake and alone with Hide, he tried to put up a smile but Hide could feel the pain in his face, the tiredness of his spirit. The words he spoke felt ripped from his life force and his movements seemed to take more and more out of him each time. But Hide still maintained a happy face, smiling his best to make Kaneki feel better, a hypocritical smile, the lie they maybe both wanted to keep up until the end that everything would be alright.

Then, at some point along the way, Kaneki’s pained smile became calm and Hide had a hard time facing it. He wasn’t ready yet to accept Kaneki’s death but Kaneki was at least on his way to accepting it. His manners grew smoother and he visibly gave less effort to everything, to living in general. At first to Hide it was like he was giving up, but he realized Kaneki had just stopped fighting his denial, had decided it was worth less effort to accept the reality rather than combat it. And eventually Hide began to believe he had accepted the inevitable as well.

Time felt like a luxury, every second they spent together, simply sitting close and sometimes talking, felt like a treasure they didn’t deserve. It was spent in gazes and love words, rejoicing that they had that much more time together. Every moment apart from Kaneki felt at the same time like a wound to the heart and a peace of mind associated with the lack of worry that the next time he would look at Kaneki he would be dead. Days blended, and while Hide took care of his own life as per Kaneki’s demand, he couldn’t help but live for Kaneki as well.

He spent most of his nights with Kaneki, sometimes on a chair, sometimes sharing his bed, but always holding hands or touching each other in some way, the warmth of the other’s body reassuring him.

And then one night there was no more warmth.

Hide had been alternating between sleep and sluggish awareness for hours, the room around them silent but for Kaneki’s labored but soft breathing and his own rapid and confused one. The curtains were open, letting in moonlight over their clasped hands resting on the bed. Hide smiled when he heard the small sounds of Kaneki sleeping, the thought that it could be his last one dormant for now. Like every time Kaneki was awake, Hide had told him he loved him, and had wished him good night as the sun had set. It had felt like every other night he had spent in the hospital, the robotic sound of the machines so familiar, and the occasional footsteps in the hallway not even registering in his mind anymore.

And then there was an unusually long time between Kaneki’s breaths. Hide’s awareness grew and his ears awaited the next one in anticipation. But there wasn’t a next breath. He jerked up from his sleeping position and found Kaneki in the same spot he had fallen asleep in hours earlier. But his chest was no longer rising. His eyes were closed, and he looked at peace, but no air was coming through his parted lips.

For a second the world stopped. Kaneki still looked like he was sleeping, and Hide was still holding his hand, his grip tightening as his thoughts caught up with what his senses had already picked up on. In the dark silent room, the only sound now left was Hide’s hurrying breaths, short and panicked. Then he got up, after putting Kaneki’s hand down gently, and went into the brighter hallways, his eyes taking a moment to adjust. He could see movement around him, but all sound was muted and his vision narrowed only on what laid strictly in front of him. He found a nurse, gathered all his strength, and told her Kaneki had stopped breathing. She went back to the room with him and started moving around the bed. Hide stood in the corner, like a statue, his senses not registering any of what was happening around him. He couldn’t tell what the nurse was doing, what she was saying, whose bed it was she was hurrying around.

And then his brain came back online only for the nurse to tell him the person was dead and she was sorry for his loss, and then asking him if he wanted to say his goodbyes before they proceeded. He stared at her blankly and she took that as a response and left him in the room alone, with the door still wide open. He approached the bed, but stopped a few feet away. He couldn’t get close but at the same time all he wanted was to be right in bed with Kaneki. Because this was Kaneki, his brain told him. It was Kaneki and he was dead. He had died in his sleep, with Hide holding his hand. Just like that he had passed away, with one moment dreaming and the next dying. Kaneki was dead. Hide repeated it like a mantra in his head, trying to understand the meaning of it while his heart felt like it was about to burst.

Once the world came back into focus and he regained his senses, he went back to find the nurse and doctors, his face still emotionless. Like a robot he went through the procedures since Kaneki had no relatives to take care of it. They had decided what should happen together and it was like reciting a poem in front of the class, well learned and then executed robotically with no room for emotions. The doctors then asked him if he needed more time, but he politely declined and went back to his apartment, spending the night here no longer being an option.

As soon as he arrived he collapsed on his bed, his mind blank from every thought and emotion. He woke up hours later, well after the sun, and the first thing he thought was that he had to visit Kaneki that day. He got up and was going to get dressed when the thought he had been processing all night finally made its way through to his consciousness and he realized he had no Kaneki to go to.

Pain ripped through his heart, his head, and his throat before even a single tear was formed. It was like his organs were being stolen from inside his body, like someone was grabbing them and tearing them out one by one. His body began shaking, tears now welling and then overflowing from his eyes, and he collapsed onto himself, his hands gripping his chest and falling on his lap. A raw yell escaped his lips, a cry so desperate and sad it only renewed the tears on his cheeks, so much so he couldn’t tell if he was crying anymore or had just become a mass of sobs. With every cry came a hiccup, sniffling and sobs. His body was moving on his own, and all that ran through his mind, repeating violently and torturing him by ripping more cries out of his body, was the single thought that Kaneki was dead. Kaneki was gone and he was never getting him back.

He wouldn’t be able to sit next to him and read his favorite author. Wouldn’t be able to talk about the sunset and how it was really mother earth singing her children to sleep, to eat burgers at Big Girl while talking about their lives and teasing each other. Kaneki wasn’t there to sit next to him on the big metallic whale in the park, to take him to the museums he never wanted to visit, to talk him into watching a play for the first time. Kaneki wouldn’t be able to smile, smile like it caused everyone pain, smile like he was apologizing for it, but mostly smile because he was happy for the first time in so long, happy to be alive and to be with Hide. That smile was dead, along with every other part of Kaneki, from his soft hands, to his white hair and his grey and mysterious eyes.

His brain kept on thinking about Kaneki no matter how much Hide tried to stop it, to stop the torrent of memories and impossibilities, the flow of tears and violent cries that followed them. He was stuck in a cycle, and all he could think was that Kaneki was dead and that it felt like his world was splitting right open, a nasty wound that would fester and keep growing. Right there and then, he wanted it to grow as much as it could, so much it would engulf him and maybe then it would take his pain away. He only wanted to disappear in it, lose the voice that was telling he had to move on.

He stayed this way for a long time, his body eventually losing strength and his tears becoming dry. Then it was just long painful breaths and sniffles, his body feeling like he had been run over by a truck. He collapsed on his back and looked at the ceiling as the emotionless state of the previous night came back into his being. Little by little it gained terrain and stopped the constant pain and flow of emotions. But then a small voice, a voice of the past, repeated words Kaneki had once said to him before falling asleep: “Hide, please never stop smiling.” That night Hide had simply replied it was too ingrained in his coding so he could never stop, but now he could see how scared of losing that smile Kaneki had been.

Forcing himself, he grinned and forced emotions back into his mind. He acknowledged the sadness that was there, but managed to keep it under control. It felt like battling the rising tides of the sea, an impossible task that required herculean strength, but it was better than losing all emotions.

 Feeling like himself for the first time in almost a day, Hide rose and took a shower. He got dressed and got some food in him no matter how much his stomach told him otherwise, and then he took the road to the hospital again. The night before, he had forgotten his promise to Kaneki and had to go back and make things right. He couldn’t just leave Kaneki like that, like a puppet that had lost its master and had his strings cut out.

When he got there, the nurses let him into the room and he had to stop in the doorway as his emotions overflew. Tears welled up in his eyes, and as his brain told him to go back, he forced the corners of his lips to rise and marched forward. He sat down next to the bed, grabbed Kaneki’s now cold hand and rubbed his thumb over it.

“I’m sorry I almost lost myself yesterday. I didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye, so I’m here. You left without telling me, but then again you did a lot of things without telling me. You never wanted me to see you in pain, so you must be pretty happy you got to go without yells or shouts. You left so peacefully I didn’t believe it at first. You looked like you were sleeping.” Tears had begun to roll down his cheeks but he continued, wanting to get everything out of his chest right then. “I hope you’re happy, wherever you are. I hope I was able to make you happy for the short time we had together, so thank you for being so kind to me even though I can be such a pain in the ass. Thank you for following me on my crazy adventures, and for proposing some of your own. Thank you for being my friend, for being there for me when I needed you. Thank you for loving me, for kissing so softly and so gently I thought I was going to die because it felt like a kiss from an angel. Thank you for everything Kaneki, I can’t thank you enough for everything you did for me, and I hope that I wasn’t too much of a pain and that you were able to enjoy my company as much as I was able to enjoy yours. I wished we could have had more time, but God is a douche and I guess he had to call back his little angel one day or another. I’m glad I got to meet you before it happened though.” Hide wiped the tears from his face and sniffled loudly, then giggled as he imagined how Kaneki would be embarrassed of being the cause of so much emotion and trouble. “I love you, Kaneki. I hope you don’t forget that all the way up in heaven.”

He stood up, reached for the bed and kissed Kaneki lightly on the forehead. He looked as peaceful as he did in sleep and Hide hoped it had not been painful. He left, thanked the nurses and went back home. He spent the rest of the day in limbo, not sure of what he was doing but trying to keep himself busy as much as he could, because he knew that the moment he stopped moving his thoughts would catch up and remind him continuously that Kaneki was dead and he would fall back into a long cry, and so he had to keep moving to avoid it even if part of him wanted to do just that. He managed to stay up and alert until late in the night and when he fell asleep he didn’t dream.

He spent the next few days keeping himself busy with school, getting Kaneki’s funeral ready, and re-organizing his apartment for the sole purpose of not giving his mind a single moment to feel too sad to function. Then he realized they had left Kaneki’s apartment full of boxes to give to charity or that Hide could take if he wanted. So one day, when he was feeling particularly okay and not too overwhelmed by tears and sudden sobs, he made the trip to the apartment and got in using the key Kaneki had given him for this specific occasion right before going to the hospital. He stalled for a few minutes in front of the door, scared to walk in but also terrified to back away because he didn’t know if he would be able to make the trip again if he walked away now.

Finally he opened the door and entered the place. It was starting to get musty, but the familiarity of it first made him smile then squeezed his heart as he remembered the person that once lived here was no longer alive. He took off his shoes and took a few tentative steps before his eyes landed on an envelope resting on top of the boxes he had prepared with Kaneki. He took a moment for his emotions to calm down before reaching for it and reading the addressee.

Nagachika Hideyoshi.

It was written in Kaneki’s handwriting, all loopy and a bit slanted. Hide felt his knees weaken and he fell to the floor, tears that had been welling in his eyes spilling over. He sobbed quietly while clutching the letter close to his chest for a few minutes. Kaneki had written to him before dying, before leaving his apartment even. He didn’t know if he was ready to read to it without it hurting for now, so he put it in his pocket and went ahead with his original plan. While his body was focused on moving boxes, his mind went back to thinking about Kaneki though for once it was not in a sad or remorseful light. He was happy imagining how Kaneki must have looked while writing this letter, his face focused and his pen rolling hesitantly on the paper. This brought a smile to his lips, a smile he dedicated to Kaneki hoping it would reach him.

At the end of the day, he went home. He put the letter in the drawer of his nightstand saying he would open it when the time felt right. He ate, showered and went to sleep rather late. It was a new habit he had taken that allowed him to fall asleep fast enough so his brain wouldn’t have time to think about things he knew would either make him sad or angry. But tonight, his mind had other plans and he tossed and turned for a long time without finding respite.

After a few hours of aimlessly telling himself to sleep, his body too tired to do anything but that and his brain too drained by the efforts he had made today to make him sad, he decided to sit up in bed and turned on the lights. He thought about reading the letter, but told himself it would be unwise since he was already rather fatigued. But his curiosity won over, and he reached for the drawer and took out the envelope. It wasn’t particularly big or heavy, so he figured he would have time to read it all that night.

He once more imagined Kaneki writing it, and how he probably intended Hide to read it in a better setting than half naked in the mist of his thrown around bedsheets. So he gathered the last of his strength and put on some clothes as the perfect location to read Kaneki’s last words to him popped up in his mind. It was late so he would have to walk there, but hopefully the walk would tire him even more and he could sleep peacefully once he came back.

Equipped with his favorite hoodie and clothes warm enough to withstand the cold night, he stepped out and walked in the direction he thought his destination was. He managed to find it without too much trouble, realizing it was not as far as he had thought, and stopped on the borderline of it.

The park was silent and bathed in moonlight, the swing sets and playground casting ominous shadows though none of them compared to the one of the whale structure. Hide moved forward until he was at its foot, images of the times he had come here with Kaneki overlapping with the dark reality that lay before him. He remembered how they’d first become friends sitting on top of it, then how they’d complimented each other’s eyes at its bottom because Kaneki didn’t have enough strength to climb it. It had been an island of solitude for Kaneki in the world only he inhabited; but he had shared that dimension with Hide and it was up to him now to keep it alive.

So with the letter in his back pocket, he climbed to the top and sat facing the city buildings now illuminated by street lamps. Cars were running down the roads, busy as ever in the day; a sharp contrast to the still quietness of the park. Even standing he couldn’t see the whole park like he’d first imagined it, but he could feel how close he had felt to Kaneki when they had first sat on it.

And in that moment it felt like Kaneki was right there, next to him, his hand intertwined with his as they sat down and he grabbed the letter from his pocket. His heart felt calm like the light breeze around him. 

Mentally preparing himself, he cut open the top of the paper and unfolded the pages it held inside. Kaneki’s ghost presence next to him felt like it was telling him this was a good time, and while he knew nothing was there, he still chose to believe Kaneki would have wanted him to read this there, in the capital of his little imaginary world. So he closed his eyes, breathed deeply, and then opened them to the first line.

_To my dear Hide,_


	9. Epilogue

EPILOGUE

_To my dear Hide,_

_I’m writing this letter to you because it’s 2am and I can’t sleep, but also because I cannot trust my ability to tell you those words myself. Right now I am still alive and I can see the moon shining brightly outside, but if you’re reading this then I’m probably gone. I don’t know how much time will pass before you find this letter, but I hope you do read it someday._

_A few months ago I lead the routinely life of a sick patient with no one else in his life. My days consisted of going to the hospital and reading. I used to have some friends and family, but they have all left me and I was all alone. And then I met you._

_You were a ray of sunshine and, at first, looking at you was painful because you reminded me of how I used to be. Always smiling, being kind to others, and projecting a positive attitude to the world. You were everything I wasn’t back then and it hurt me to even be around you._

_But you insisted we become friends and no matter how much pain it gave me, I couldn’t resist, I was like a moth drawn to the light, knowing it will burn him but not being able to stop. I brought you to places that meant a lot to me, said things I hadn’t said to anyone in years, and maybe hoped that after a few days, maybe even weeks, you would be tired of me and forget all of it._

_But you didn’t go away, instead you sneaked in closer and closer, so close I couldn’t help but develop feelings that made the pain so small and insignificant I believed for a little bit it might work. We were both idiots, thinking we could ignore all the unsaid truths and focus on the present like people who have their whole lives in front of them._

_But I didn’t. You knew I was dying and yet you stayed. You accompanied me to this day, and for this and everything else you ever did, I thank you. Thank you so much Hide for teaching me that life doesn’t have to fade away just because you can’t enjoy it to the fullest. Thank you for letting me show you my world, even if it was just for a short time. Thank you for being there for me, for pushing me to be there for you too, and most important, thank you for not giving up on me._

_I don’t know how the rest of my life will unfold so I wanted to write this to you right now. Just yesterday I told you I liked you and you told me the same, but the truth is I love you. I’ve loved you from the start; I couldn’t possibly have stayed with you through the pain your brightness caused me if I didn’t love you. I hope that we kiss before I pass away, because I remember how much I wanted to kiss you yesterday. I haven’t kissed many people, but I think that kissing you could be the best thing that happens to me._

_I also hope I don’t spend the last moments of my life refusing to accept my death. I know I have trouble accepting it, but I hope you continue to guide me, as I hope that I help guide you on your way to forgive me. Because I hope you forgive me for dying, for making you alone again, especially after we spend so many good times together. I know it hurts to give someone your all and feel like you wasted your time after they die because that’s how I felt when my mother died. I wished I would have done more, but I also wished I hadn’t gotten involved at all. I hope you don’t feel that way, but I can’t force your emotions. I just hope you forgive me for stealing a bit of your happiness and making it mine._

_And now I want you to move on. Not forget me, even though I think it would be best I know you would never let yourself do that. But please, Hide, move on. Live your life with the same everlasting happiness and bright smile you showed me. Send your positive energy to other strangers; take another chance to give part of yourself away even though it hurts because it is so worth it. Continue to live without me, and please, give yourself a chance to love someone else the way you loved me._

_Hide, thank you for everything you did and that I can never repay, and if I may ask another small favor, please be happy. Do it for me, consider it the last step to making my last moments worth living. It would make me very happy._

_And then you can chose to live your life however you like! Finish your diploma, get a job, find a wife (or husband), have some kids … You have so much more ahead of you and if there’s someone in this world that deserve a long happy life it’s you. I wasn’t able to do much, so maybe having such a short life doesn’t change anything; but you have so much time to be amazing with so many other people! Thinking about all the lives you’ll make happier makes me smile so much. I hope more people get to know you and experience what I did._

_Thank you for teaching me how to smile for real again._

_Love,_

_Kaneki_

_PS: I don’t know if you’ve read a Takatsuki Sen book yet, but if I haven’t made you read one then you can grab all the ones in my collection. I don’t think I’d want anybody else to have them._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'm usually a sucker for happy endings so writing this has been an emotional journey, but I believe I emerged victorious (and alive). I hope it was as enjoyable for you to read as it was for me to write (so lots of smiles followed by tears). 
> 
> Thanks again and see you space cowboy!


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